Up All Night Jane

What is Fear Really?

2005-11-06T23:37:00.000-05:00

Life has been interesting lately... In one of those boring personal growth ways that- while is beneficial to go through- isn't that exciting to talk about. I have been so good lately. None of the self destructive behavior of the past, which had I been writing this blog for 6 years you would have seen as a prevalent pattern. What? I liked to drink and kiss my problems away and while that led to great stories... wasn't the most fulfilling way to go about life. I felt empty, superficial, numb and sometimes a little ashamed and embarrassed about the way I would behave and the situations I would put myself in. I'm not saying I never want to randomly kiss a guy or get drunk but I want to have a life that is deeper than that. I want my life to mean more than that... I don't know... Just what I've been thinking about.

Not much to report on the boy front. Other than my Australian love drunk dialing me and emailing me; a college crush calling me all the time; and this one hot guy at work that makes me revert to childhood crush antics when I see him. I act like I am 12 when he comes around. I blush, I stammer, I actually squirm. But he definitely knows I exist cause he goes out of his way to talk to me and stare at my awkward reactions to him. He is older and way too knowledgeable about how hot he is so I doubt anything will happen and plus we barely run into each other. But oh so hot!

Work has had a huge turn around. Sadly I can't talk about it even though it is really exciting for me and life consuming... but because I refuse to be one of those people who get fired for blogging or who scandalizes her work environment by blogging about it. But let's just say, I took a slight career change that I had been meaning to take but was too chicken shit to. But I haven't committed myself 100% which is something I really should although I just can't get the guts to. What can I say I like stability and hate change! I gotta fix that!

That is one thing I have been noticing lately. Fear. Some people live their whole lives cowering and scared of everything. Scared of change, scared of the good, the bad, the unknown, the possibilities, the chance to succeed or be rejected. When I was drunk all the time, I didn't give a fuck about anything. I had minimal fear or drank it's hinting presence away. Now that I don't get drunk all the time, I am aware and SCARED of everything! I am afraid to fail, to really succeed, to take the chances that it takes to succeed. I am afraid to love, to be hated, to hate, to everything! How does this happen??! I thought personal growth and getting in touch with yourself would lead to only good things, instead it is making me aware of too much. I suppose I have always been afraid and that is why I hid behind alcohol and boys and partying, but how come I felt so fearless? I felt invincible then. Now I feel so small. I guess this is part of becoming a better person- sorting through the unpleasant. But it's not like I have that much unpleasant to sort through. I guess it is more like I was still living the college kid's life without taking charge of my life or responsibility for my path because I was too busy partying it up which let's face it only lead to hangovers, superficial friendships that are based on alcohol and bar-hopping, and blacked out moments of forced intimacy... with the hottest guys... hehe, just kidding... kinda.

Oh you know what else, this guy that I hooked up with on New Years drunk dialed me out of the blue at 3 am last night. I'll have to tell you that story later cause that was a good one!

Sorry for not writing sooner, thanks for bearing with me! I just didn't want to get all philosophical on your ass for 3 straight weeks! Hope everyone is good!

Luv, Jane

Break up, What I Want, Boobs Out and Seeing a Penis

2005-10-11T20:38:00.000-04:00

Hi there,

Yes I know, it has been awhile and my blog has been taken over by prankish advertisers for premature ejaculation-hehe. Funny, they would choose my site for premature ejaculation! But hey, I hadn't been posting enough and that sure woke me up but no more! And if I ever neglect you again DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT do that to get me to post again. It won't work, I'll just give up and be like, "I hate premature ejaculation" (I apologize to any readers who may be experiencing it. It can be looked at as flattering? We girls get you so worked up that ka-boom!-hehe. But enough on that subject! I have 53 freakin comments about it! Thanks to all who helped to direct me on how I might be able to stop it- it is being worked on!).

So as you can imagine, the last couple of weeks have been interesting... I broke up with Mark over a week ago. It was quite the good break up if I say so myself. I just kind of did it and he was great about it- very accepting, reassuring, and sweet. Do you want the details? I've been shy around you lately. I guess I worry that you'll blame the break up on me and call me one of those bloggers who can't keep a man and has unhealthy relationships. Maybe that's my worst fear. Or I'm afraid you'll tell me that all the signs point to him being a lying asshole cheater and I'll feel blown over and shocked that I couldn't see it and that you did... Honestly, he wasn't into it. We were dating 5 months and he didn't have his hands all over me, he wasn't in love with me. Grant it, I wasn't in love with him but I was into him enough to be thoughtful, sweet, and extra horny-hehe... and he wasn't. Maybe he's just not that type. But I don't want a guy who's not that type. I want absolute passion, I want a guy who notices everything about me, who wants to touch me always.

I think I realized it one night with my guy friends. I was over at Phil's house and my current best guy friend Dave was there and he is the best, he really is. But lately sometimes I wonder if the fact that I know he WOULD hook up with me and he makes it apparent is a problem, but anyways that is another issue.

So I am sitting there talking to Dave and I'm saying something perverted and I suddenly get embarassed and look down, then look back up and smile kind of unsure, kind of wickedly, and kind of bashfully, And he goes, "That was the cutest smile you just did. That really was" and as he said that I remembered that guy I used to talk to when I first dated Mark who made me feel like everything I said was so interesting, so funny, so great and I thought, "MARK DOESN't DO THAT..". He doesn't comment on anything about me, not the little things that make dating so fun. The only thing I could think of that he had said in the last few weeks that was noticing like that was, "You have really long eyelashes" to which I teasingly replied, "Yeah, you're just noticing now?". So anyways, I wanted more. He didn't do anything adherently wrong. There was no cheating or lying that I knew of. He just wasn't crazy about me and I want that. I want someone to let me be crazy about them, every inch of them, every part of them. That is what makes me tick and I always knew Mark was a bit passive and not in touch with his emotions but in the beginning he at least was all over me and attentive and then it's like he got too comfortable. I don't want someone so easily or so quickly comfortable with me. I want him on the edge of his seat cause c'mon I am a wild one, I deserve that!

So we get on the phone and he is talking about his weekend and not at all mentionning if we will hang out. And I hadn't seen him in a week! And I was horny and definitely unhappy so I said,

"Hey we should talk..."

"You're not happy, are you?"

"Nope" I began tearing up. He couldn't see we're on the phone but I could feel it creep up in my voice. " I think we'd be better off as friends... You're just not putting in the effort I would want. You always say you will and then you do this huge thing of effort and then it trickles off. I could wait around until your schedule clears up or you're more ready but I don't want to. It's not fair to me. I deserve better.." My voice chokes at this point. I'm praying he doesn't notice. He is quiet.

"You DO deserve better. I'm really sorry. I guess I thought I was better off than I am. Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship (ex girlfriend of 6 years became a lesbian 2 months before we started dating). I really did want it to work, you're so great and I love spending time with you and being with you... I guess it's just the wrong time for me" Now I'm quiet.

"I know, I picked up on that... I knew it was a goner when you told me you were going through a selfish phase (yes, he actually said that!), I just wish you would have admitted it sonner."

"I'm sorry, I didn't really know. I really thought I could do it." In my head, I'm thinking if you could've just tried harder, maybe... but I don't say anything. "Trust me, when I say you didn't do anything wrong. This has nothing to do with you. You are great and deserve the best from a guy, the best guy. I'm sorry I couldn't be that." I'm starting to want to cry so I try to cut it off.

"Well, I'm glad we're so mature about this. Seriously, I'd like to be friends."

"Me too, I want to know how you're doing, what you're up to."

"Ok, well I'll leave the ball in your court"

"Yeah, I'll give you a call soon"

"OK." Don't cry, don't cry.

"I'm really sorry again."

"I know me too, ok well I'm glad we were honest... And Mark, let's say you end up not calling? I just want you to know I wish you the best. I really do hope you find a nice, honest, faithful, unlesbianic girl" He laughs. I smile.

"You too except that it'd be a guy who has nothing to do with lesbians!"

"Ok, well take care."

"Yeah, you too. I'll call you soon"

"Ok. Have a good night and weekend. Bye." I hang up and I'm not gonna lie. I cry. I hate change.

I mope the next two days that here I thought I had found someone and it didn't work out-that now I had the uncertainty of singleness and had to get back in the game. And then I looked at Cosmo's male eye candy issue and I cheered up. I thought even though there' s the unknown factor that is what makes being single so fun. You don't know who you're gonna meet, kiss, end up dating and that can be cool. And God the rock hard bodies in that issue- mmm-mmm good!

I'm not gonna lie I have wanted to be self destructive to help deal with the change. My first instinct is to drink and make out and touch every guy in site. But I am 24 now. I need to be mature about it. My health still does not permit me to drink- so there goes that escape and it's kinda hard to kiss a stranger when you're sober but that is my goal!-lol. I want to be able to do everything I did drunk sober. And so far I am doing pretty good! Saturday I went over to Phil's house for a party. I danced up a storm and then when everyone stopped dancing and I was alone in the kitchen with the music still blasting, I kept on dancing cause I knew that is what I would do if I was drunk. We played drinking games, I chugged water. And we played truth or dare. I had to kiss a girl and I did it- although when she stuck her tongue down my throat, I commented mid-kiss- "Yeah that was definitely some tongue" while her tongue was still in my mouth. I then proceeded to strip down to just my tank-top. So there I am sitting at the table playing cards with no panties, no pants on and in just this cleavage highlighting tank top (what can I say, when I get depressed I like to show my boobs. That way I look down and I go, "Oh hello there! You look hot!"). It was hysterical. Although in my sober state I was wondering if it was hygenic to be sitting in a wooden chair with no underwear on...hehe, what do you think?

Well I am gonna go watch TV. It is time. Oh and guess who text messaged me at 10:30 IN THE MORNING. Mark. First time he made contact and he asked how I was and said he would call soon to catch up... What-ever?- hehe.

Luv, Jane

P.S. I have seen a penis ALREADY just not in a sexual sense just in a this-guy-had-a-penis-piercing-and-I-said-show-me and of course I saw my guy friends asses but that doesn't count!

STOP POSTING ADS and readers, Help!!!

2005-10-10T23:00:00.000-04:00

OHMYGOD!! Please stop posting ads or links to your premature ejaculation sites or any other site!! For the love of GOD!! The same people keep posting over and over again. Please stop! I don't get that much traffic and no one is going to click on your link. Any readers know how to erase it, stop it, and report it? Please help! And then I'll eb back to posting regularly. Had a naughty weekend to share about! ;)

Luv, Jane

P.S. Please see the 53 comments on the last post for what I am talking about and then please help!

Yes, you can spank me...

2005-09-25T22:38:00.000-04:00

I know, I've been naughty, I apologize. I must post more or face the consequences... Spanking anyone? Hehe, kidding... or am I?

So things have been ok. Why just ok? I am not quite sure. Mark has been just ok and I expect more than ok. So I am seeing singledom in my near future. But let's face it, I am more fun when I am single!

I went to Virginia Tech for the first time ever this weekend with some friends. So much fun! But I swear the way they go about football? Total cult. I have never seen such rabid fans before- all the stomping, cheering, chanting, emotion...l It was INSANE! I have never seen such enthusiasm. It was contagious though. Tech won if you saw the game- BIG TIME! So there was some serious celebrating!

We went bar-hopping like no other, reminded me so much of college. And the college boys? Pretty darn cute- reminding me again that singleness might be a good idea!! What is up with these side-swept shaggy haircuts these young'uns are sporting? Kind of like a surfer boy kind of look? A bit Jesse McCartney if you ask me although who am I kidding? I have to suppress my lust for that child because that is just what he is- an 18 year old child!! Seeing all those 22 year olds in their prime with their tight bods- wow-lol. It made me remember why I usually like them young! I behaved though, cause I'm not single YET. Plus those boys don't know how to pick up a woman. I got the stupidest pick up lines. As I'm walking by at the tailgating, this hottie catches my eye and he goes, "You! Here! Now!"... Um, no. I squinted a little at him and he repeats, "You! Come here now!" I look at my friend and laugh, "Are you kidding me?" I say to her then turn to say, "Sorry I don't follow commands!" which made him give me this sheepish, chastized look. Crazy college boys!

I got absolutely no sleep this weekend, so I must go close my eyes and catch up on that but perhaps I will share more about my trip this week. All this week, I have this Company conference event where I get to eat at the best restaurants on teh company- whoo-hoo! I'll try to fit you in ;).

Luv, Jane

What is your favorite sexual experience?

2005-09-03T18:00:00.000-04:00

Hi there. How are you? ;) Mark spent the night yesterday (things went perfectly- nothing exciting or dramatic to report or discuss). Is it wrong that I almost feel bored? I suppose that is a natural reaction to a life style change. I went from wildly single to monogamous central. I'm not sure I'm complaining just throwing it out there. Plus, I don't really know what's gonna happen. Who knows if this is going to be long term or short term. It seems long term by all his plan making but sometimes I feel a bit unsure. But that is the exciting part because you don't know what is going to happen.

So I have a question to throw out there if anyone feels comfortable answering... What is your favorite sexual experience so far and why? Mine hasn't been with Mark yet but we've only been having sex for about 2 months, I think. I'd have to say my favorite sexual experience was with this guy that oddly, I wasn't in love with and I usually advocate sex in love as the best sex out there. But he was the most intimate sex I ever had because he would stop at least twice during sex to go down on me. IT WAS AMAZING and then there was this one time that after, he lay there looking at me and he cupped my face in his hands and gave me this look. I will never forget that. Now Mark does that too but to me sometimes it feels cheesey (I know, I am such a guy!), with this guy it just didn't. He recently came into town and we met up and perhaps I told you about this, but he said that I was the best he had ever had and the best tasting girl he had ever gone down on. He goes,

"Freshly showered or a long night of bar-hopping you always tasted amazing" Now grant it, I'm sure some of this flattery had to do with wanting to do an encore performance from our past (which he did not get cause he was notorious for his inconsistency with me), but still... :)

Luv, Jane

Do Caring of Pets Correlate to Effort with Girlfriend?

2005-08-31T18:14:00.000-04:00

I've been in a crummy mood and did not want to infect you guys with my negativity, but alas I cannot neglect you entirely so you will have to excuse my unsunny disposition. Why am I in a bad mood? Well, my health isn't 100% as I have mentionned and it is really bringing me down. Job woes that we won't get into. And finally Marcus Aurelius is driving me nuts. He started a new job last week, is moving into a new apartment this Saturday (Just 5 blocks from my work- whoo-hoo!) and with all this commotion, we have not been able to see each other that much. Grant it, we talk on the phone everyday but as to be expected, he is always a bit stressed and occupied.

The last two weeks, hee has been consistently unreliable and inconsistent (consistently inconsistent- love it!) by making plans and then the day of canceling them for a usually legitimate reason. I'm understanding, I get all this change will do that to your schedule but I hate it when people say they're going to do something and don't come through. Don't say you're going to do something, unless you're 100% sure you can. Make it tentative then for God's sake! I am like his #5 priority right now and that is frustrating enough and let's just say that doing me is like #6 on the list- sexual frustration city. I'm trying to be supportive and all that, but I am starting to wonder if this unreliability is character related or situational. From the beginning of our relationship he has always had a bit of a delay following through with what he says (He'll say because his career situation and living situation were not conducive. I say stop making excuses!). He complains that I never call him, and that he does all the calling. I say when you cancel plans like that it makes me not want to call you and makes me feel like it is again your turn to call since you are gone all the time.

So I sat him down (on the phone) mentionned my concerns and he told me all this was totally situational, that from next week and onward, it wouldn't be a problem, I would notice a big difference, etc. He said he understood where I was coming from, agreed with me, expected me to feel this way (great validation!), etc. Then he says he will make it up to me this week. We tentatively discuss getting together during the week. Well it's Wednesday night and no plans have been made so I am assuming no, we're not. Then he said, Friday for sure, even if it meant delaying his move until Saturday. He got brownie points there. THEN he tells me that Saturday he is going out of town to Baltimore to see a friend. Perhaps I am being presumptious but when you're trying to win a girls unannoyance back, don't you NOT go out of town?? He wants to be back Sunday morning so he can go with me to the Chesapeake bay to meet my Dad and go boating, But he is showing concern for the time that we leave with my Dad since he'll be spending the night out of town, and I am just annoyed. STAY IN THE AREA, BUDDY. Is that too much to ask? And aren't you moving Saturday? I guess I just had this fantasy of me helping him move and then spending the first night with him there and christening every freakin' room in the house. I didn't share this thought with him though. Should I have? Instead I just sounded aloof when he mentionned going out of town.

I also got annoyed when we were discussing how he's going to move his bed. So this is a typical girl comment, but I always thought that you absolutely, positively needed to get movers to move a bed. Not so, says Mark. All he needs is a screw driver and maybe an extra set of hands.

"You mean you never moved a bed before??" he asks as if it was that I had never eaten a sandwich before.

"Well, no. I've always had movers do it."

"Gosh, it's so simple. I can't believe you'd pay someone to do that when you can just do it yourself"

"Well isn't it really heavy?"

"No, it's not." And then he insinuated that I'm some prissy girl who makes guys do her dirty work and that I'm not self sufficient then I got severely annoyed and said.

"What? I am 100% self sufficient. I don't need or want anyone to do stuff for me. I hate asking for people's help and even more, I never want to have to rely on someone for stuff because I hate needing people" blah, blah. I talked for awhile. He said I was cute cause I was getting all worked up and all I could think about was this one time we were talking about pets and how he said he doesn't want any cause he wants his life low maintenance. So I suggested a plant and he said only if he didn't have to water it every day and I'm sitting there thinking how that could possibly relate to me in that he wants me low maintenance and to not put a lot of effort in a relationship (Big stretch, you think?). And all I want is effort. Without effort, relationships become lazy and who wants that?! Just frustrated, I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune tomorrow. Thanks for letting me vent!

Luv, Jane

Where do you keep your tension?

2005-08-26T19:15:00.000-04:00

Hi there.

So no big plans for the weekend except to do Mark- hehe. My stomach is still acting up so any partying would be ill-advised. Have you ever noticed that there is a place in your body where you keep your tension? For some people it's in their jaw, their hands, their heads, etc, for me it's in my stomach. I know this because everytime I get mad or upset, my stomach feels like it is tied up inknots. Upon hearing shocking, devastating news; I usually throw up- how pleasant-hehe. After certain traumatic break-ups, I couldn't eat for days and had a constant, never ending ache in my stomach. And now my stomach decides to act up when there's nothing stressful or upsetting going on?? I suppose it has its battle wounds and maybe now that it finally has some rest, it is like, "Yeah, I'll show you for twisting me up all those years!". Or maybe it's cause I still carry my past with me. Don't we all? I suppose some people know how to truly let go, forget, or remember it in a way that leaves them satisfied... Not me! I only think about it from time to time but when I do I am not at peace with it, I get mad! Anger, as long as it is not bitter, feels empowering to me. It has always mobilized me into action. If I'm mad about something or don't like it, change it! But what happens when you can't change it? The day I know that answer... zen-like eternal happiness ;).

Luv, Jane

The Best Fling of my Life

2005-08-26T19:09:00.000-04:00

So just seconds ago, I received a call from Australia. I traveled Europe for 2 months a little over a year ago and met the hottest guy there from Sydney.Have I told you the story? I don't think I have so I will tell it to you now.

I traveled Europe with a tour group called Contiki. It was cheap, it was all young people and I have to say when I arrived in London, I was pleasantly surprised to find it to be all twenty-somethings wanting to party it up like it was spring break! My group was mostly Australians (so hot), some New Zealanders, some Canadians, and a few Americans like me. There were 30 of us in total. Everyone was so friendly and cool. He was the first person I saw that I was immeadiately attracted to.

I had just arrived from the airport in London and was waiting to check into my hotel, when I saw him. He looked like a God. Tall, tan, chiseled with muscles in his legs that made me want to do bad things to him and to myself while watching him. It was one of the strongest, spontaneous physical attractions I've ever experienced. He walks by with two equally attractive friends, but I only saw him. He had this curlyish light brown, dark blonde hair- very golden and these gorgeus green eyes and did I mention a body like a God?-lol. He was wearing these drawstring cargo pants that he had rolled up above the knee. I'm not gonna lie, I stared but he stared right back. I had made friends in the tour rather quickly and I remember sitting with these 2 girls and him walking by and me staring.

"That's the guy, I told you about. God, isn't he gorgeus. I hope he's on our tour". Just then he turns around and looks at me.

"Looks like he likes you too because he just looked at you!" one of the girls said squeezing my arm excitedly.

"No that's just because I keep staring at him. He must be like, 'Who is that girl and what is up with her staring problem?' " The girls laughed. I found out 15 minutes later he was on my tour. Oh the excitement I felt. The next day we set off in a bus to France and at one point we got introduced.

"I'm Craig, nice to meet you." he said in that hot, sexy accent. We maintained eye contact for a second. But then that night when we all went to a bar, he got really drunk and hit on me in a very unimpressive, typical fashion. I can't remember what he exactly said but I remember getting the feeling from him that he was looking for a hook up. To be honest, everyone on our tour was hooking up with each other. Through-out the course of the trip, one girl slept with 5 guys on the tour and people slept with one person one night and then the next night switched or swapped partners. I was 23 and a bit past that stage in my life. I wanted a fling, a European local or a hot, passionate thing with someone on my tour or with someone from one of the other Contiki tours which met up with us in the major European cities. I did not want a one night thing. SO I brushed him off, as hot as he was thinking he probably had no substance. Shortly after our encounter, I saw him all over this girl from our tour who everyone thought was my sister we looked that alike so I thought,"Hey, I was right about him." . I was disappointed. I had really wanted a fling on my tour and he was the only one I wanted it to be with. So I met a guy from another tour and made out with him-hehe. But then he was gone to a different city than us (He was from Sydney like Craig, in fact he and Craig played rugby together at one point in their lives). I was bummed because he was really respectful, sweet, and thought I was amazing. But to be honest, I didn't feel it with him like I had initially with Craig.

Meanwhile, Craig and I became friends. After that first night, I never saw him with a girl ever- he just hung out with me. It was funny because during the day I hung out with my girls and he and I were cordial and might spend time together in a group but not really alone. But then whenever the night came along and we'd be drinking, it was just he and I. I was conviced he was a player and wanted nothing to do with him- except when I was drunk. He'd be shyly kind of hitting on me, but it was never blatant and I'd be poking fun at him and play arguing calling him a player and saying I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole. Yes, it was childish joking but he was a year younger than me- 22 so I felt it was age appropriate. One night trying to be one of the boys, I hung out with him and his buddies and drank absenthe. Now I know some people hallucinate and do crazy things. Me, I passed out in Craig's bed. I remember him lying down next to me. I remember putting one of my legs up against his legs. I'm not sure how long I slept. But suddenly he was waking me up and walking me to my room, I remember him saying in this sad tone, "I know you would want to wake up in your bed and not mine".

Slowly I started to see Craig different. He was the only guy not fucking everybody and the turning point was in Monaco. I dressed up because we were going to the famous casinos. When I walked in, the way he looked at me- it was so cute. It was the first time sober that just he and I hung out. We just sat and talked about our past relationships while everyone else got drunk. We walked by ourselves without drinking and then at one point he takes out his digital camera to show me some of the pictures he had taken of this bridge I hadn;'t gotten to see. As I am looking over his shoulder, all of a sudden I see all these pictures of me where I'm not looking at the camera. He got really embarassed and mumbled,"Oh I was just trying to take a picture of the museum behind you". It was his reaction that made me think otherwise plus that there were like 5 pictures of "sites" with me being the only one in them! I remember looking at him differently. That night everyone else did tequila shots off each other while he and I just talked. The next day, I decided I liked him and it was time. I remember walking in for dinner and it was like, we both knew. Our eyes met and without him taking his eyes off me he walked right up to me and said something flirtacious. That night we all went to the bar and he and I kind of separated ourselves from the group. I worried that perhaps he only wanted me because he didn't think he could have me, because I had made it clear early on I wouldn't be hooking up with him or my tourmates. But I couldn't resist any longer. So when he walked me to the bathroom, I turned to him and said,

"I don't need to kiss you, I don' want to fuck you. All I want to do is this" and I rubbed my body against his and ran my hands from his chest to his stomach and along his arms (WHat? He had the hottest body!!). He looked at me in surprise and disbelief, which quickly turned to lust. I looked back at him,

"There, that's it. That's all I wanted to do." I said and then started to walk away.

"Wait, wait, wait." he said, grabbing my arm gently and pulling me to him. We looked at each other and in my head I thought, "Well maybe this kiss will make me like him less cause he could be really bad". So slowly, we both leaned in and when his lips touched mine- bham, it was over. The kiss was amazing. He skillfully played with my mouth and when it was over, I groaned,

"Aww man, you're a good kisser as well!" He laughed. That was on the 15th day of the tour. I waited quite a bit after that before we slept together which seemed like months since we were in a spring break environment and EVERYONE was doing it, in rooms next to us! I noticed he didn't like the wait. I remember one night we went to this huge club in Florence where 5 other Contiki Tour Groups were with us. I worried Craig would want to party it up with his boys, forget about me, and partake in all the casual sex going on. Grant it, we were on vacation, I was even tempted at times because the locals were so hot! But that night he was all by my side all night, but kind of on the quiet side. At one point, I left him alone to dance with my girls and this hot blonde walked up to him and from the corner of my eye, I watched him ignore her and brush her off. After that, I knew I was going to do him. We left the club early and when we got to my cabin, he was so quiet.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing" he said.

"C'mon you've been quiet all night..."

"It's just it makes me upset that you don't trust me. I want to sleep with you so bad but you -" Previously, I had said I wasn't ever going to have sex with him. I had always been one to only use sex when I was in love or in a relationship. I assumed in this fling, I wouldn't want to bring sex to the table. But I changed my mind. I put my finger over his mouth and grinded my crotch into his.

"Shhh..."

"Just hear me out-"

"No, cause I want to BE with you too..."

"Yes, but- wait what?"

"You heard me, I want to BE with you" I said moving my hips seductively against his. He looked at me,

"You don't have to just cause I want to, I want you to-"

"Will you stop arguing with me? I want to too" I said sexily. My saying I wanted him dilated his pupils in those pretty green eyes.

"Are you sure?" AT this point I was already in his arms.

"Yes." We looked at each other and then kissed. The sex was tender and sweet. It was so dark that we kept touching and feeling each other's faces to make sure we were still there. It was sex that made me ache at how tender it was. AFterwards he goes,

"I love making love to you. I love the noises you make" I snuggled in closer.

"I love the noises you make" he squirmed a little.

"You do?"

"Yep, they're hot"

"I always thought they were annoying" I giggled, he's 22 let's give him a break.

"No, it makes me want you more." We kissed and then went to bed. His friends came over to have sex with my roommates and when they saw us in bed together they clapped and said, "Finally Craig got more than 'Hugs"!" which they had nicknamed him because he hung out with me so much and all he got were "hugs", did I mention they were 22 as well?

Anyways. after that we had this passionate fling in which we spent 24/7 together, had one hot arguement in the rain, and said a tearful goodbye to what we thought was forever.

Since then, we email every so often. He's called me once before this. He knows about Mark. Craig even dated a girl for a couple months. But he drunk dialed me right now and I gotta say of course I like Mark... but Craig? Still makes me a flustered schoolgirl!

Luv, Jane

P.S. After asking how Mark and I were, he said he missed me and informed me he may getting a job at the Australian embassy here in the US. That would be interesting... But I'll believe it when I see it.

Fun, Singles Bartending Class

2005-08-24T17:11:00.000-04:00

I don't normally advertise. But I absolutely love this blog- www.sexandmoxie.blogspot.com (especially the early stuff!) and the author is having a DC event so thought I'd give it a shout out. If anyone goes, let me know. I'd love to hear how it went!

Luv, Jane

============================
DC SINGLES BARTENDING CLASS - SEPT 14
============================

**READ A REVIEW OF OUR LAST SINGLES BARTENDING EVENT**
Kevin Yukilis and Mark Bellhorn of the Boston Red Sox made a surprise
guest
appearance.
http://linneadates.com/main/?p=157

Singles Bartending Class at Zipper Lounge
Wed, Sept 14th
7-9:30pm
Zipper Lounge - 2406 18th Street
Presented by MoxieintheCity.net

REGISTER NOW AT:
http://www.MoxieintheCity.net or go to
http://www.mollyguard.com/event/19030922

CURRENT REGISTRATIONS:
10 Women (pre-paid)/7 Men (pre-paid)

Everyone flirts with the bartender, right?
So why not learn how to be a bartender? The actual `class portion` will
last
about 30 minutes, which leaves another hour or so to taste the
delicious
concoctions that you make, sample the featured themed cocktails, nibble
appetizers and mingle.
This is an interactive class with a happy hour
feel.

COST
$30 per person
$25 if you pre-pay for yourself and a friend ($56 total)
$35 with RSVP - To RSVP, please send an e-mail to
events@moxieinthecity.net
and put DCBAR in the subject line. PLEASE SEPCIFY YOUR CITY!

ADMISISON INCLUDES
-Bartending Class
-1oz samples of 3-5 other drinks
-Appetizers
-Free Lock & Key Party Tickets

SUGGESTED AGE RANGE
27-45

FEATURED COCKTAILS
Cosmopolitan
Dirty Martini
Margarita
Mudslide
Almond Joy

HOW IT WILL WORK:
Get full details at:
http://www.mollyguard.com/event/19030922

Christan
Owner
www.LockandKeyParties.com

Stories & Events for Singles
www.MoxieintheCity.net

Read Moxie's Blog "S-x & Moxie"
www.sexandmoxie.blogspot.com

Read Moxie's weekly column on SavvyInsider.com
www.SavvyInsider.com

I'll make you wanna Dance on the Bar

2005-08-23T19:24:00.000-04:00

It is time. Yes, I suck at posting. What can I say I get busy and I neglect you. I will do my best to post more but the more I post the less I can get out and do stuff to write about! But alas, I love you so I will try to be here more.

So the weekend was great. LOVED seeing the girls (4 girls that I lived with my senior year in college came for the weekend). Three of the girls arrived Friday afternoon and I picked them up at Dulles Airport. We then came back to my place for a tour, settling in, and to get ready for the big night. It felt like old times, since we always used to get ready together, try on each other's clothes and crank the music. The 4th friend arrived from NYC by bus at 8:30 so we went to pick her up in a really shady part of DC... where we got lost. FOREVER. I was trying to get from the shady part of DC to McFaddens? Didn't work so well. We were lost for about an hour which really killed the mood for a second. But once there, we danced it up. Phil and his friends and a few of my girlfriends showed up and I have to admit, it was hard juggling the groups of friends. To make matters worst, I was just recently diagnosed with a bad case of acid reflux and cannot drink until my stomach heals so I couldn't party it up. But I did dance on the bar completely sober, with a tummy ache, and in a short skirt! So who is still fun now!? ;)

So there is an update on the Phil front, which I really do not want to write about. But I can't keep secrets from you so here goes... Remember that lingerie show I told you about? Well I blacked out the very end and didn't remember saying good bye to the boys or anything. Apparently, something happened with Phil. Something like he tried to kiss me. Something like I probably confessed my old crush or something gross like that. I don't know the second part for sure but one of Phil's friends who was there, Dave, told me that Phil and I were talking and that Phil tried to kiss me and that I left the convo unhappy. After hearing this, I was mortified, thankful I am no longer physically able to drink, and I avoided Phil like the plague. Got to admit, wondered if I at all allowed the kiss and whether I am perhaps an evil cheater like all those guys I detest and critisize. I'd rather like to believe that the reason I left the conversation upset is because I am not a cheater and that I was appalled that Phil tried to kiss me. I guess the only person who knows the answer is asshole Phil and I refuse to ask. To be honest, I don't want to know. Obviously, in the end I walked away and nothing happened but my goodness- how awkward! The next night I was not so lucky in avoiding Phil. I took the girls out in Adams Morgan and met up with Phil's friend Dave- who I adore and of course Phil was there, even though I was told he was staying in. Yuck. I'm in line for the coed bathroom with one of my girls and he gets in line and says hello. A tiny bit awkwardly. But let's face it I'm the awkward one in every situation. He looks at my friend and then back at me as if for an introduction.

"Did you meet Tara?" I ask.

"No. Not yet." he says rubbing his eyebrow.

"Tara, Phil. Phil, Tara" They shake hands, I turn away.

"Yeah, I only saw you for two seconds yesterday so I didn't get to meet any of your friends from college" I keep my eyes on Tara because I AM AWKWARD. He adds as a side note.

"I guess I have a second chance tonight." I look at him.

"A second chance for what??" he looks at me almost embarassed.

"Um, to meet your friends." Then it's my turn to be embarassed.

"Ohhhh. Sorry. I am just really out of it!" (and awkward and mortified and embarassed and disgusted, etc.). I did not introduce Phil to any more of my friends!

Mark met up with us and my friends adored him. I have to admit at the beginning, he was a bit shy but then he warmed up. He was so cute, he drank water like me to make me feel better. I told him to drink like everyone else but he wanted to keep me company in my non-drinking.

I met one of his best friends for the first time and he approved of me. Apparently when I walked up he told Mark, "Damn! You did well for yourself!" and later told him that he hadn't expected me to be so hot. That makes me feel nice! Mark held my hand in front of everyone and kissed me goodbye. It was cute! An all around good time!

Luv, Jane

Yeah I'll Trust Plus Weekend of Camelot?

2005-08-18T18:41:00.000-04:00

Hey all,

Yeah from the comments I basically get the gist that a) Mark didn't give the greatest answer in the world and b) trust is key in a relationship so asking that question is a little pointless. I get it and I agree. I have always felt pretty safe with him and trusting... I guess I had one freak out day. It happens. I'm over it. I'm moving on.

Mark's career crisis is finally over with and he got a big raise. I'm excited. I've never SERIOUSLY dated a guy who made more money than me, it will be interesting to see what that is like. Now he just has to fix up his living situation (buying a place) and then we'll really be able to see where he and I are at. He's been good lately. I've been sick and he's been really sweet and thoughtful about it.

I had my first experience with anesthesia this week. I had a minor surgical procedure where they stick a tiny camera down your throat to look into your stomach and they put me to sleep for that. At first I was really nervous but once the IV was in, I was like, "Whoo-hoo! This feels good! I'm feeling drunk!" and then I slept through the whole procedure. Apparently I have a bad case of acid reflux which means no caffeine, ALCOHOL (I KNOW!!), fatty/fried/spicy foods until my stomach heals- all of my favorite things! Dammit!

On a high note, 4 girlfriends are coming down for the weekend and I plan to get crazy! I may not eb able to drink but I want to make up for it by taking them somewhere insane- maybe Swingers night at Bar Nun or Camelot?- hehe, j/k... kinda ;). Will have lot to update you on after the weekend! Any weekend suggestions? Leave 'em here! (SO far I'm thinking McFaddens, Chloe, Vida on Friday, Hotel Washington, etc)

Luv, Jane

A Bumbling Idiot

2005-08-15T01:15:00.000-04:00

I'm in a bit of a reflective mood. Everything's fine now but that's always when I worry the most. So much to lose... Plus, I just got on the pill and I've noticed I've been more emotional- tres annoying! I hate it. Mark spent the weekend. I found myself so into him, it scared me. I kept focusing on the fact that I do trust him which is inspiring considering my past! But for the first time, I started feeling uneasy about my trust. How blind it is, like all trust is. I guess I don't wnat to get fucked over but in order to truly live you have to at all moments be risking that. I'm scared, I'm uneasy and I looked for him for reassurance and I hate when I do that. I don't want to need reassurance for anyone but myself.

I realized this weekends I play games. Well, maybe that's too harsh. I found myself dismissing how into Mark I am TO HIM. Physically, I was a needy little fiend but I kept dismissing any emotional reassurance I needed from him. Playing it off that I am this independent, completely secure woman that I want to be... But I'm not quite there. I guess I wanted Mark to tell me how trustworthy he is, how into me he is, stupid stuff like that. But it wasn't the way he was acting that made me want this. It was me. He was all hand-holdy, kissy, etc. But then again, I guess at this point I want more verbal reassurance that he's into me, etc. He does it with his actions which is the way it should be! I don't know why I want to hear him say it or why all of a sudden I'm a little insecure. I can be so confident at times and then bham, I get like a little girl. I think it's cause I'm slowly falling for him and I want to make sure that I know what I'm getting into. That I know who he is and that I can trust him in stressful times. Cause life is stress. I categorized him from the start as this SAFE, TOO NICE of a guy... As I get to know him and since his little freak out, I'm not so sure I pegged him correctly. I mean he is a nice guy, he seems honorable, he seems honest but he's got some bad boy tendencies not PRESENTLY but in his past such as experimenting with drugs, etc.

He said a few comments that for some reason rubbed me wrong. I realize I am probably overreacting and that is the hormones from the pill talking (I HATE THE PILL!!) but I can't help that it bothered me a tad. THe first thing that bothered me was when I brought up why he thought cheating was bad. His answer was something like, "Because it's stupid. You should just be honest and say 'I want to be with someone else, I'm sorry'. It's such a mean thing to do and the consequences are horrible.."

"Oh you mean if she finds out"

"Well yeah"

"And we girls ALWAYS find out" he touched my nose. "But why else?" I said.

"I dunno. No one's ever asked me that."

"I mean how do I know you wouldn't cheat?"

"Because I don't cheat. It's never been something I was into. I've never done it in the past, why would I start now?" I bit my lip, does anyone else not like his answer or is it just me? He noticed.

"My life isn't conducive to cheating at all."

"What do you mean?"

"Well until I buy a place, I am living with friends, I couldn't take a girl home"- ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?-LOL. WHO SAYS THAT?? He noticed that I had widened my eyes and was looking at him in shock.

"No, I don't want to take a girl home, I'm just saying there is no way I would cheat on you" I scooted away, crossed my arms- body language CENTRAL.

"Dude, for future refrence when a girl asks you why you wouldn't cheat, don't tell her why it's not situationally possible for you! Oh my God!" I fake laughed it off a little.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way. I was just trying to reassure you and let you know how impossible it would be for me to cheat on you." I still didn't look happy.

"Hey if I was a cheater I would've come up with some smooth answer. The fact that I'm such a bumbling idiot about this PROVES I wouldn't cheat"

Sure, buddy, surre- just kidding. I don't know I thought it was a lame-o answer. I can't tell if it's my gut reacting, my past issues, or my hormones. I hate being a girl!

Luv, Jane

Does Mark Know? And a Correlation to a Lifetime Movie

2005-08-11T00:15:00.000-04:00

So in the comments, I was asked if Mark knows about this site. And the answer is no. Am I gonna tell him? Ummm, I hadn't really thought about it. But I don't think so.

To be honest, I haven't told any of my friends about this blog. I think if they knew or if Mark knew I might censor myself alittle and I like being able to express myself freely here, don't you? ;)

The thing that appeals to me about blogging is that you can be somewhat anonymous and that you're judged by what you write and not by your face(although there are a few fellow bloggers who have met me and therefore know my face!). I like that. That is kind of the reason I blog- to write about my life in a diary-like fashion and to be free to write whatever I feel like and get honest feedback from other bloggers who enjoy reading and writing blogs like I do.

I wouldn't freak out if any of my friends came across the site and recognized that it was me- that would be fine. All of their identities have been protected, if you notice I rarely call them by name except for Phil and "Phil" isn't Phil's real name. Neither is Mark. I figure my reader doesn't need to know the person's actual name so I name them a name I think suits them what they physically look like, although now that I think about it Mark should be a Brad, as in Brad Pitt- hehe. Perhaps Phil should Ethically, I wouldn't feel right putting out their real names when I sometimes give out certain details about them that correlate with my life. If Mark came across this site, it might be a little weird but Mark and my friends aren't really into blogs that I know of and the chances are slim I think.

Is it a betrayl not to tell Mark? I write poetry a lot and Mark doesn't really know that. I think keeping certain non-essential details a secret keeps the spice in a relationship. In the Lifetime movie, "A Dive From Clausen Pier" she falls out of love with her 7 year highschool sweetheart because as he says they've "run out of secrets to tell each other". I understand some secrets like cheating, emotional stuff, etc are bad but is blogging a bad secret? Your thoughts?

Luv, Jane

Lots of Good Quotes for Those of You Into That Like Me

2005-08-08T01:43:00.000-04:00

Here are some good quotes I like for your reading pleasure. We will begin wirh pop song quotes which you can use as an introduction to Top 40 Pop- hehe.

"I've had you so many times but somehow I want more"- Maroon 5 (about Mark).

"Somehow I'm willing to do the things you want. Take me in your arms. Spoon feed my heart. And Drip by drip, I take it all sip by sip, I guess that it's make or break, boy here tonight... And the silence it belongs to you and I. Broke thru barriers and past the state of mind. I'm not scared no more. It feels divine. So take me in and catch me when I fall. I'm waiting on the edge. Uncut my soul. Snip by snip, I'm losing it bit by bit, I'm taking it step by step..."- Sugababes (Mark again)

"Hey girl, screamin for attention
Once you get it, you throw it away
I'm broken, I'm pickin up the pieces
I won't live in all your mistakes
I'm just givin it all, givin it all away"- Ashlee Simpson (a little about females, a little about me and the times I've given the physical away too easily).

"Baby, my baby, it's wriiten on your face. You still wonder if we made a big mistake. I tried to go on like I never knew you..."- BSB (hehe, I know. About my horrible ex)

"He's soft to the touch. But afraid at the ends he breaks. He's never enough. And still he's more than I can take. Oh cuz I don't knowI don't know what he's after. But he's so beautiful.Such a beautiful disaster..."- Kelly Clarkson. (Men in general)

"Run
Running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side

Me
I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most
I'm so sorry that I'm falling
Help me up lets keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love

Running, running
As fast as we can
Do you think we'll make it?
We're running
Keep holding my hand
So we don't get separated

Be
Be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me
Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up"- No Doubt (Mark)

"Nothing seems the way that it used to. Everything seems shallow. God give me truth- in me. And tell me somebody's watching over me. And that is all I'm praying is that someday I will understand and God's whole plan and what he's done to me.." -Britney Spears (life and God for me right now)

"Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind...
You forced me to become strong.
And I just cried, being weak.
And you think you know.
And I would like to think so,
But do you know that when you go,
I fall apart."
- the wreckers (horrible ex)

"I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by a deadly crisis everywhere I turn
Am I the only one to notice?
I can't be the only one who's learned
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be
lately
All I have to do is think about me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me"- Gavin DeGraw (my theme song for while)

"How do you block the sound of a voice you'd know anywhere?"- Jann Arden (Exes)

Now for a little Christina Aguilera quotes:

"When you're safe inside your room, u tend to dream of a place where nothing's harder than it seems. No one ever wants their fathers to explain of the heartache life can bring... Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed. It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid"- (how I feel about life, my vulnerable side described perfectly)

"We both can seduce
But Darling you hold me prisoner" (certain guys)

"I was naïve
Your love was like candy
Artificially sweet
I was deceived by the wrapping
Got caught in your web
And I learned how to bleed
I was prey in your bed
And devoured completely...
I should have known
I was used for your amusement
Couldn't see through the smog
It was all an illusion...
I can't mend
this sore state I'm in
Getting nothing in return

What did I do to deserve
The pain of this moment ...
Everytime I try to grasp for air
I get smothered in despair, it's never over, over
Seems I never wake from this nightmare
I let out a solid breath, let it be over, over
Inside I'm screaming
Begging, pleading no more" (the story of that horrible ex and me)

Other non-pop songs:

"Is it really him or the loss of my innocence I've been missing so much?"- Deana Carter

"When ur alone do u let go? Are u wild and willing or is it just for show? I don't want to touch u too much baby. Cause making love to you might drive me crazy."- Def Leppard (first part is me, second part is how I want to feel about a guy).

"I don't expect my love affairs to last for long, never fooled myself that my dreams will come true. Being used to trouble I anticipate it. But all the same I hate it wouldn't u?... Everytime it matters all my words desert me so anyone can hurt me and they do. So what happens now? Where am I going to? "- Evita soundtrack (me and boys)

"If I had just one tear running down ur cheek maybe I could cope. Maybe I'd get some sleep if I had just one moment at ur expense. Maybe all my misery would be well spent. Could u cry just a little? Lie just a little? Pretend that ur feeling a little more pain. I gave now I'm wanting something in return so cry just a little for me... I don't want pity, I just want what is mine"- Faith Hill (Horrible ex)

"You give me that look that's like laughing
with liquid in your mouth
like you're choosing between choking
and spitting it all out
like you're trying to fight gravity
on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this
Feels like reckless driving when we're talking
It's fun while it lasts, and it's faster than walking
But no one's going to sympathize when we crash
They'll say "You hit what you head for, you get what you ask"
and we'll say we didn't know, we didn't even try
one minute there was road beneath us, the next just sky
I'm sorry I can't help you, I cannot keep you safe
I'm sorry I can't help myself, so don't look at me that way
we can't fight gravity on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this."- Ani DiFranco (what I think of love)

"Darling, I just want to say just in case I don't come through. I was onto every play. I just wanted you"- Fiona Apple (I used to put this as an away message back in college when I used to see this guy who only wanted to be fuck buddies but who I was crazy for)

Literary quotes:

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."- Oscar Wilde

"To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it."-Confucius

"He who forgives ends the quarrel."-African proverb

"Love consists in looking together in the same direction."-Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it."- Soren Kierkegaard (about all the other guys I dated- hehe.)

Now for quotes from my favorite show, "One Tree Hill"

"... to be nobody but yourself... in a world which is doing its best
night and day to make you everybody else...
... means to fight the hardest battle... which any human being can
fight... and never stop fighting..."

"It seems to me, that if you or I should choose between two courses of
thought or action.
We should remember our dying, and try so to live, that our death brings
no pleasure to the world."

Hope you enjoyed!

Luv, Jane

Guys Freak Out Too

2005-08-08T00:08:00.000-04:00

So I wrote this uber-long update last night before I went out and then my computer froze! Of course I never saved it so I lost the whole thing... DAMMIT! It was so good too. I am pissed! I am not sure I can write another with as much as gusto... but let us try!

How do I begin? Mark and I are good, we had a tiny rough patch for exactly one day but then we got over it. Basically what you missed while I have been "Missing In Action" was that we started hanging out a lot. There was this one night where he came over and I started realizing just how understanding he's been about my defense mechanism and how honest we are about everything (I even told him about the lingerie fashion show for the guy friends! To which he responded with,

"You mean like in your bra and underwear!?" He did not look happy.

"No! My stomach was totally covered! Like in pajamas!" The pajamas I usually wear for him are a tank top and teeny tiny shorts so maybe that is what he thought I modeled for the boys because his whole body relaxed.

"Oh then I don't care" he seemed a bit amused that I would do that but in a good way. Later that night as we're getting ready for bed, he pulled me to him,

"You gonna model one of those pajamas for me?"

"You want me to?" I said pressing up against him.

"What does this face tell you?" He made the cutest, eager face and then nodded his head vigorously. I laughed and kissed him and went to the closet to put one on. Once in the closet, I realized I had to choose the most conservative one for obvious reasons! I put on this white one that has white satin on the boobs and little white pearls on the V neckline and then it turns into this sheer little dress that barely covers my bum. It comes with a matching teeny white G-string. When I walk out, he's sitting on the bed. I do a little turn for him and smile bashfully. He looks me up and down appreciatively and then his mouth drops.

"You wore THAT for your guy friends!?"- hehe, oops!). That night I wish I could remember the details so I could tell you but it was awhile ago so it's not that fresh. I remember after the sex lying there with him and thinking the words, "I love you"... Don't worry, I did not say them! That would definitely be jumping the gun!

Then about a week after that, Mark had a freak out day. It was really more about something going on in his career which as you know, guys are psycho about but he took it out on me. It was weird cause earlier in the conversation when discussing one of his career options that might happen in a couple years, he included me and said something like, "Yeah by then we'll probably be married with kids!". To which I responded with,

"Whoa there buddy! Let's not go THAT far!". Then as I was like,

"So when am I gonna see you?" he got all flustered and was like,

"I have to see about work, blah, blah" and then started saying how things with us were going so fast and he felt like it was such a bad time for us to start when things with his job were so crazy- blah, blah, blah. So of course I freaked out and was like,

"So what are you saying? You want to stop seeing each other??"

"No, I don't think so... I don't know... I just don't know how much I'll be able to see you these next few weeks..."

"I'm not some needy girl. I'm very independent. I don't NEED to see you that often. I've never pressured you to see me more than once or twice a week". Anyways it's overkill for me to go into too much detail about it because the next day- of course after I was all stressed out the whole night, maybe even shed some tears- I realized that I had to be very careful about the situation. I understood his stressing out about his career and I could be understanding about that for the next couple weeks BUT I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't accept any bad treatment from him because I have done so in the past. So the next day he comes over and I tell him how I feel, what I want and expect from him and I'm pretty hardcore about it- I mean this is the time where you develop the patterns in your relationships and I refuse to allow someone to treat me badly because when you allow it- THEY WILL. So after I said my schpiel, he goes, "You are completely right. I overreacted last night and I don't want things to change- blah, blah, blah." So basically he got me worried for nothing and I have to admit his unsureness about us made me a bit insecure. It made me feel needy for some sort of reassurance from him which I hate and don't worry, I didn't ask for.

That night we went out with my friends and I was, understandably, a little distant. He LOVED it! It became like this challenge to get me to warm up to him. After about 3 beers, I finally did. When we got home, I was extremely horny from the alcohol and cause let's face it- I was feeling a little insecure and in the past the only way to get some sort of reassurance from asshole boyfriends was through the physical, so now it's like this habit for me. I suppose it's ok cause instead of getting emotionallty needy which is such a turn off for me, I get sexually needy. We began kissing once we got into the bedroom. I was kissing him hungrily, "needily". We tumbled into bed. My hands roamed everywhere and I encouraged his to do so as well. Earlier I had told him that we should focus on our friendship and not so much on the physical.

"I guess we won't be focusing on the friendship tonight" he mumbled kissing me harder. I didn't say anything, I was so speechless with lust. We're kissing and moving up against each other but we're pretty much fully clothed. We both realize this at the same time and start ripping each other's clothes off. For some reason when I'm needy, I kinda feel like I need to please the guy so I say,

"I wanna go down on you so bad right now.." He kissed me harder and moaned.

"Can I?" I asked, "Can I go down you?" I already knew the answer.

"You never have to ask" he moaned. So I do and it is so hot. Right when he's about to come, he pulls me up.

"I don't want to finish yet, not without you finishing too" and he flips me over to enter me. And then we have animal, passionate sex. At first he's on top but then while still inside me, he lifts one of my legs up and pulls it over him to meet the other leg to fuck me side to side. Later he kind of guides me to lie on my stomach and he does me from behind for the first time. I usually am not a big fan of that position, but with him it was great. Something about the way he fit inside me. I loved how take charge he was about the whole thing cause I find that so sexy in a man and sometimes I'm a little shy or submissive. Afterwards I feel reassured and not so insecure, silly huh? I mean I know it's just sex. He is always so supersweet after sex- kissing me, holding me, looking into my eyes and that helped too...

That was probably a week ago. Since then, we've been totally fine if not better because I don't take him for granted and I feel like I'm really into him because of the little scare. His career issues haven't yet cleared up but he hasn't been taking it out on me. If anything he comes to me about it to talk. We've been hanging out a lot- all his doing and we seem to beprogressing. Progressing to where you ask? I don't know to a more serious relationship you could say? I'm totally into him and he seems obsessed with me again- about talking to me, seeing me, and sleeping with me :). So all is good!

House-sitting ends this Wednesday so expect more regular updates. Hey and thanks to SethJ and others who have linked my site- you all rock!

Luv, Jane

Come back this Saturday for 2 Wild Updates!

2005-08-03T13:35:00.000-04:00

So sorry I've been M.I.A. (Missing in Action!)! I've been housesitting in Cleveland Park and have no access to the internet.
I'll be posting Saturday everything that has been going on. But in brief- Mark and are good- I have lots of stories to tell- you have no idea!
And I'm not dead or depressed but have been house-sitting in this huge 4 floor mansion in Cleveland Park and have not been able to get on the internet to tell you about everything, but I will, I promise- Saturday. So check in on Sunday for the full update!
Luv, Jane

Quick TaxiCab Confession and Asking for your Feedback on direction of this Site

2005-07-25T01:38:00.000-04:00

I forgot to relay this little story...- but wait first off, to all those who comment- thank you! I read every single comment, even though I don't always respond back (to be honest I usually email my posts in cause when I actually get into the site to edit, I can't get it to look right but anyways!). I think you all are awesome and I appreciate the comments and such.

I'm liking the way I've been handling the blog lately but would love some feedback cause I can go a few ways now... More fun, drunk party stories; more deep, searching posts; or more explicit detail about my sex life. I've been dabbling in all three but I hold back just a tad on all three as well. As you may have noticed, when I talk about the sex I try to be as politically correct as possible. I mean I say penis and down there for God's sake!! I love pushing myself but I wouldn't want to go too far, so I'd love some feedback on what you'd want to read. I feel comfortable with you all so I guess I'm assessing if I should just stay with what I'm doing, or if I should push myself a bit more. But right now, I'd definitely post a picture or meet up with my fellow bloggers, whereas if I got more explicit... well, heck, it'd take me a little bit, but I'd do it. I dunno, would just love some feedback!

BUT ANYWAYS!!! Back to the story, so on the way to the bars Saturday night I was in the cab with my best friend and a nice taxi driver and we're talking our heads off. First me and her, and then the cab driver just joins in and I am like, "Cool!". I'm telling her about Mark and our sex and then also about our big age difference (I'm 24, he's a young 29). And I tell her this story which I think I should relay to you. Here's me talking...

"So I always tease Mark that he's with me because I look so young. I'm like, ' What are you Mark, a pedophile? I hardly look eighteen!' and he defends himself with, 'Hey, I met you at a bar so you at least had to be 21!' and then I always counter back with, 'Oooo, 21! So you hit on all barely legal 21's!' to which he gets flustered and schreeches back, 'I thought you were 26! You looked 26!' to which we both smile cause we both know I hardly even look 24"

To which my friend remarks, "Well who cares how old you look, it's all about maturity and you are so mature!" I look at her in shock.

"Are you kidding me?? I am so irresponsible and immature!!"

To which the cab driver started cracking up about and responded,

"Man I wish there was a camera in here so I could've gotten that on TaxiCab Confessions!" He then proceeded to mimic me in this high pitched voice valley girl voice, "I am so irrespomsible and immature!".

As we then laughed our asses off, I proceeded to get "engaged" to the taxi-driver and we decided on a September wedding. When he dropped us off, he told the next girls getting in and that they'd better be as entertaining as we were. As he drove off, he informed me that that line should be my pick-up line of the night. And you know what? It was ;).

Luv, Jane

The Mafia and Crazy Cab Drivers

2005-07-24T20:36:00.000-04:00

So the weekend went by with much less scandal. I went out to the U Street bars Friday with my girls and ended up meeting the owner of the bar, a group of successful business owners, and the mafia of a certain country I'd rather not name... in case they somehow stumble upon this and decide to put a hit on me!

The mafia men told me they wanted to "spoil" me and take me out to fine dinners the very next day. When they said they wanted to send me on a spa weekend, I drew the line! I looked at them and I said,

"Do I look like I need a sugar daddy?". The more gruff of the mafia men said,

"That is very immature to say..." which angered me so I said,

"Look, all I'm saying is you can't buy me" and the drunker of the men said,

"No, no darling, we don't want to buy you. You can't buy a person. That is just too much money". My mouth dropped, I laughed, politely excused myself and started running for the hills- praying they wouldn't make me come back and talk to them. It was definitely interesting though!

I have to say as a woman who is notorious for and makes a habit out of dating men who can barely support themselves- a bit of spoiling sounds tempting though. I'd love to eat at fine restaurants where entrees cost more than eight dollars and I don't actually have to pitch in. I can take myself and friends to these restaurants but I can't do it everyday and I can't usually take a guy I date. What can I say the guys I have dated have always been my age or younger... and not established or comfortable in the careers.... and one or two didn't even have a career! Mark is a different story though. But with my past, no one can call me a gold digger that's for sure! While I wouldn't mind being treated every once in awhile, I certainly don't go looking for guys who do that. It would just be an added bonus! But not too much spoiling! Then I'd get weirded out and begin screaming about "sugar daddies" and how I'm not trying to be "bought"-lol.

One of the successful business owners had a financial consulting company which is what Mark does. So I talked to him about the company and tried to hook Mark up. Problem is, when I'm drunk, I lie. So I told him all these fabricated things about me and also forget to mention that Mark was my boyfriend and not a family friend, like I insinuated-heehee (I figured he might not hire Mark if he knew I was WITH Mark- yeah I know, I was drunk!). It sucks cause he called the next day about me sending Mark's resume and I didn't have the balls to say but I was drunk and thought I'd never talk to him again so I made a whole lot of shit up! I'm ridiculous when I drink. I once told friends I had to use the bathroom, waled two feet away and talked to this hot guy and walked back to them. They go,

"Honey, did you go use the bathroom?" I looked them dead in the eye and said,

"Yes I did." They all looked at each other and smirked.

"No you didn't, we just saw you go talk to that cute guy."

"No, I didn't talk to any cute guy, I just went to the bathroom." I argued that lie for the whole night. What a weirdo I am!!

I was pretty drunk Friday but my girl friend was drunker and began hitting on a married sucessful business owner. I practically had to peel her off him and remind her, several times, that he was married and yuck! We don't do that! The gentleman then paid for a taxi ride for us home.

Sucessful Business Owner: "How much for a ride to Van Ness?"

Foreign Taxi Driver: "Ten dollah."

Sucessful Business Owner: "Here's twenty, make sure they get there safely."

Me after we are 15 feet away: "Hey can you stop off right there so we can get pizza?"

Foreign Taxi Driver: "No. Man said straight to Van Ness."

Me: "We'll pay you extra"

Foreign Taxi Driver: "No."

Me: "Fine, then drop us back off, give us back the money, and we'll get a cab that will let us grab pizza!'

Foreign Taxi Driver: "IFine but no money back!"

Me: "Oh yes you'll give us teh money back, we have driven 15 feet!"
Foreign Taxi Driver:"No, YOU no give me the money, the MAN did. I only give money back to him."

Me: "Oh you are so evil!"

Foreign Taxi Driver: "You evil!"

Me: "That is so mean!"

Foreign Taxi Driver: "You mean!"

Me: "Oh you are so going to hell for this!"

Foreign Taxi Driver: "You a Devil- Woman!"

I storm out of the cab, have my friends sit in the cab so he doesn't drive away and Igrab the guy who paid for the cab. He comes out, yells at the driver and we then get the money back and a new cab and some pizza and then... I drop my pizza all over my lap. I still ate it though!

Late Night Lingerie Fashion Show for my Guy Friends (Don't Ask!)

2005-07-21T22:58:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I'm a crazy one for sure... Last night I went out with Phil and all his friends in Georgetown and drank a leetle too much. We had a lot of fun. When they called to invite me out I was like, "Yeah, I have nothing to do... I'll be there and I'll be wearing something slutty!". So I stayed true to my promise and wore this tight little strappy jean mini-dress I bought in Europe.

Anyways to get to the meat of the story. I almost told Phil I liked him (who by the way has been lying because I think he still has a girlfriend). We were sitting at the bar and he is so weird with me these days! Anytime I try to ask him about his girlfriend or women he shushes me. I knew I gave him a hard time bout cheating and once tried to apologize for sticking my nose in his business cause he said I had "no idea about what you're talking about- you don't know the whole story/ situation". Whatever. Anyways so we're talking like normal human beings for once and I go,

"Do you want to know why I gave you such a hard time awhile back?" He gets this look on his face.

"You don't have say anything-"

"No, let me tell you-"

"You don't have to say anything-"

"Maybe it's not what you think-" and he shushed me again. Did he think I was going to say that I once had a crush on him? I don't know. But more likely he probably thought I was gonna talk about that horrible ex and that is why. Boys are so dumb sometimes. LET THE GIRL TALK. Although I am glad this time he shushed me cause I really don't want him to know that I once liked him- yech!

So anyways after the bars, I take them back to my place. We do shots of makers mark and I have some more wine (Why I continue to drink even though I already feel it- I don't know!) and I tell them how I got all this new lingerie to wear for Mark but don't know which one to wear first (he's never seen me in lingerie- well at least not the sexy kind you to wear to bed, like those little teeny tiny lacy dresses?). Then I say, "Want me to model them for you?". They say, "Hell yeah!". So then I proceed to give them a fashion show of my new lingerie. Luckily,it covers most of my boobs, butt and stomach but still... How embarassing! I awoke on the couch in a tshirt and a thong and with the memory of me giving my guy friends more than eyeful. Hehe, it's a funny story though... I am mortified and am ashamed to answer my phone when they call, but it sure is a story to tell. Definitely some Up All Night action ;).

Luv, Jane

Innocence and Making the Sex Good

2005-07-19T01:05:00.000-04:00

I realize I have to start writing more. We'll see if I can ante up. First off, I just finished watching a biography movie, "The Brooke Ellison Story" directed by Christoper Reeves and starring Lacey Chabert (many people say I look like her, or Minnie Driver, or Jennifer Love Hewitt- all very different women with the similarity of having my brown hair, eyes, and small heart shaped face). It started off slow but once Lacey came in, it was amazing. Here is the true story of a parapalegic girl who went to Harvard and lived her life fully. Here I am a walking, capable, somewhat attractive girl and I run around thinking I have a hard life. Wow. I mean at least I can have sex- j/k. But no, it makes you think how lucky we are and how we take relationships, all of our abilities and capabilities for granted. You can't miss them until they're gone I suppose. Anyways, back to Mark and me.
So after our second time, I was a bit nervous. Were things going to ever click into place physically with Mark and me? He once told me that the thing that attracted him most to me was my innocence (ha!) and I'll admit I look innocent and young. I also get easily excited about things which might suggest innocence. But I'd call myself more naive then innocent, and I'm not sure why I'm still so naive cause I've had my heart broken and all that stuff. I think it's because I'm still so hopeful and trusting in a way. I guess I haven't seen that much of life or am THAT experienced with numerous men. I've had a few boyfriends, kissed a lot of boys, had a bit of sex and I've had the adventurous kind. But I have to admit I was not naturally inclined to that type. As a a newly deflowered virgin, I'd have stuck with missionary my whole life and never thought twice of it. But I had a very experimental boyfriend and I experimented with him out of love. I guess I learned to be adventurous in bed that way. But I suppose I still give off innocence because when I do suggest trying new things I do it a little awkwardly and with a child-like glee of naughtiness. It's hard to describe. I suppose I need to just grow up and stop that. But who am I kidding, I like playing the innocent role and my life at the moment at 24 has not taught me to be the most independent and business-like person. I've always resorted to "cute" to get my way and it's just starting to not work, since people are probably like, "Dude, you're 24 years old!". When in trouble, I play the helpless role and I'm working on changing that.
But anyways, I was worried that because Mark was so attracted to my innocence (he knows my number of sexual partners), we would never have any fun in bed. That I wouldn't be able to be myself (or who I was taught to be my exes you could say) in bed. So when our third time came around, he was spending the night and we were in bed and we began fooling around. I pretty much told him with my body I wanted to do it but he wasn't seeming to get it. Or at least he was content with the foreplay and I was just ready to get right to it! My body was a little too ready if you know what I mean. Too much foreplay gets me too ready and then there's less friction you could say- ha! So finally I stop mid-kiss and say the sin of girldom,
"What are ya thinkin' about?" His eyes are half closed with lust and he sexily says,
"I'm wondering if you have a condom around?" I think to myself- finally! I practically jump with glee and run to get it. When I return, I go down on him a little bit. But not wholeheartedly cause I really just want to have sex. Just a little teasing. He's looking down at me and says in a low voice,
"You're really good at that..." Just so you know that was my first attempt with him. I'm happy that he thinks I'm good or at least said that but he doesn't realize what he is in for! I wasn't even using my hand and that definitely helps things more.
This time I let him put on the condom. It's a bit awkward, me watching and waiting, has anyone else ever noticed that. And then he comes over and starts kissing me. I roll on top of him and start doing my thing. I always notice with guys you have to feel them out to see what main movement they prefer... the up and down or the back and forth. I personally prefer the up and down, the back and forth doesn't do much for me (oh and don't worry I realize those can both be used in alternation, etc). He seemed to like the up and down so I was a happy a camper. So there we are and I'm not saying anything or talking during even though I really want to. I guess I'm being cautious. I'm sitting up, sort of leaning back like one of my exes preferred ( I used to want to be romantic and lean in to make face eye contact and he used to ALWAYS push me up so now I just naturally lean back out of habit) so we're not kissing which can be kind of sexy. Then he goes,
"Kiss me.." So I do- hehe, and I'm thinking to myself, "Huh... This guy is so different from any other guy I've been with". I'm liking it in a way but let's face it at this point I want to know that he can hang. The rest of the session kind of mimicked the last time we did it, only that I was in control so I made it a little more sexual but catered to his romantic side with the kissing and stuff.
At this point I was pretty into him but I still had the defense mechanism thing going (which I'm sure will always be there in a tiny way), but then this weekend, everything changed. I explained the main story of us kind of reversing roles which was cool. But I think more than that, we had this open discussion about sex and our own sexualities and then after we did it.
I was totally open and honest about everything. I told him that I was worried to be myself sexually cause I didn't want to ruin the innocent thing he had going for me. He was like, "Hey, when it's just you and me, you don't have to worry about it. Innocence is about how you act with other people and who you are not about who you are sexually with me". We told each other in detail what we liked sexually, didn't like, what we had done, hadn't done, etc. Turns out baby boy is a bit experienced! He's done anal sex (not me!), sex in public places (yes me!). It was so funny cause I was explaining to him that I don't have sex with a lot of people but when I do it's a lot and I like to be a little adventurous. He's like,
"How much sex are we talking about with a boyfriend?" I'm straddling him during this conversation- thought it'd make it more fun.
"Like everyday." I say nonchalantly. His eyes widen,
"Every day!?" I furrow my brows, confused is that not enough?
"Well I guess sometimes twice a day with certain boyfriends. Why? How often did you and your girlfriends have sex?" He rubs his jaw.
"Definitely not everyday..."
"Oh, I thought that's what everyone did! I didn't realize there were guys out there who didn't get it every day. I think it's genetic, my sisters say they're the same way. I guess we all just have naturally high sex drives" He smiled at that.He's looking at me all differently, kind of sizing me up, astonished but with this cute light in his eyes.
"You're getting really excited about what you're in store for, huh?" He leans in to kiss me.
"Yup."
So after this conversation, we go to my room and start making out like mad. We are talking passion central. I'm moaning freely (finally! I was holding it in a little bit!), he's moaning (hot). We are rushing to get his clothes off, my clothes off, it's a mad scramble. Then I go down on him and at this point the defense mechanisms are gone after the sex talk I am just so into him, attracted to him, you name it- I'm there. So I do a really thorough job (note to females- use your hand(s! if you really want to get it done!), use your mouth in the porn star corkscrew motion not just up and done, etc). I can tell he's getting really worked up and I'm wondering if I should stop now cause I want to have sex and at his age, 29, maybe he's not like a 19 year old anymore and won't be able to do two rounds. Suddenly as if reading my mind, he tilts my chin ever so sweetly. He has the most beautiful look on his face, as if watching me going on an enthusiastic joy ride with his penis has not changed the innocence he sees in me.
"You want me to stop?" I say sweetly.
"Yeah, cause I'm about to come and wouldn't want to do that yet" he says in this low, almost gutteral voice, as if it is hard for him to talk cause he is so turned on. So then we do it- him on top. And let me tell you- fireworks! We're talking during (not too dirty yet, we'll work on that!), we're both loud- it is all pure lust... which ya know a girl wants every once in awhile. AT one point he's like, "Now you get on top" but he's doing such a good job that I'm like, "In a second!". And after we finish, the romance sets in and he lets me know how everytime we do something I get more amazing and amazing. At that point right there, is where I had that talk I worte about that flipped our roles a little. I liked it. And that's it. Now you're finally all caught up! What do you think? I have an extremely busy week at work so I won't be seeing him until this weekend. But I'll let you know how that goes!
Luv, Jane

The first two times...

2005-07-18T00:34:00.000-04:00

So Mark and I have been progressing... A LOT. I am actually really into him. When he walks into the room, I can't help but stare at him and when he talks I'm focusing in on those hot Brad Pitt lips- which know exactly what to do to me!
He's a smart boy and he handles me well. He increased my interest by going out of town last week ( I know, I'm ridiculous) and by this story. First off, Mark told me last night that the on our 3rd date I told him I used to be into bad boys and that I said this sober. So the other night, after our fooling around, we're lying there and I go,
"So maybe we should have the talk" His eyes are closed and he looks over at me sleepily.
"Let's wait until I'm actually awake" he says with a little smile and rubs my head. The neediness of my past tries to creep in. I start thinking maybe I can't trust this guy, why would he want to hold off on the talk. I realize that I held off before but maybe he had changed his mind about me. I remain quiet, fighting those kinds of thoughts that I mention above in my head. I'm lying there reminding myself of his proven honesty to me, his encouraging of us to get more serious, etc.
"You got quiet all of a sudden.. What is it?"
"Nothing, but you saying you don't want to talk about it leaves me a little insecure..." He opens his eyes, props himself up.
"I don't want you feeling insecure. We can talk about it now. I'll wake myself up." He slaps his face a little and looks at me intently. "So what do you want to know?" I smile sheepishly,
"I don't know. I guess what we are..."
"What we are?"
"Yeah. Y'know like ....what are your intentions with me mister?" I say with a smirk and a naughty little laugh.
"Well, I guess we're dating... My intentions are to continue dating you. But right now my situation is up in the air with my job so I don't want to call us an item, until I know for sure that I am going to be around to follow through with my intentions..." - That's where he got me. Finally, he was being realistic and well, not serving himself to me on a silver platter. What I have been wanting from him since the beginning. I think he gets that so that everytime I see him there's this combination of affection and lust but then also teasing and a bit of a realistic, almost laid back vibe which I think is good!
Soooo in case you're wondering.... we have now had sex four times. Whoo-hoo!! The first time we had been drinking so that time is a little bit blurred and we didn't complete the act since we both didn't want our first time to be drunk.
The second time was sweet but a bit awkward. I'll tell you the story. We were fooling around on the couch and all of a sudden we stop and he looks at me, so I go,
"What are you thinking?" (I realize that question is supposed to be a no-no but I've had exes ask me that all the time, so I use it. If I am breaking a rule for all that is holy for men, I apologize. But so far I haven't had a guy freak out or seem annoyed that I ask that question. Perhaps it is only immature BOYs who have a problem with it? And Mark is most certainly A MAN ;) )
"About what we did drunk the other night and about whether you'd want to do it again.."
I snuggle up to him.
"I was thinking about the same thing...."
"Well, what do you think?" His brow furrows cutely and I reach up and touch them.
"Well, a part of me wants to wait a little longer to do it again (I always try to wait as long as possible to have sex with a guy for moral reasons and hadn't planned on having sex with Mark so soon). And then another part of me, wants to do it right now just to see what it's like..." I laugh.
"Yeah, me too..." We look at each other and then we just start kissing. As things get steamier and steamier- hands are placed elsewhere's and bodies move up against each other, so I whisper,
"I want to do it..."
"Yeah?" he asks, looking at me mid-kiss.
"Yeah." I give him my little wide-eyed innocent look and then change it into a wicked little smile.
"I didn't bring anything... Do you have anything?"he says.
"Yeah but let's go to the bedroom so no one can hear us"
"Why, you think you'll be loud?" he says with a smirk and a kiss.
"If you do it right, I will." We adjust our clothes and I run to get a condom and he meets me in the bedroom. And then everything takes this romantic, almost awkward quality. Because, see, we get into bed start taking the appropriate clothes off and it all seems too planned out. He kisses me slow, with lots of eye contact and then that moment comes to put the condom on. I try to ruin the romantic mood (It's too early to be romantic and let's face it at this point I wasn't as into him as I am now and I'm used to be the one who tries to be romantic- not the guy!) of the ordeal by opening the condom and saying,
"Let's see if I can put this on with my mouth..." His eyes widen but I don't say it with any confident sexiness like I should- more with an awkward- avoiding -eye -contact mumble (I know, I'll work on it!). I put the tip of the condom in my mouth and then move my mouth to where it's suppose to be and voila! I slowly use my mouth to put it on.
He switches the atmosphere back to romance and slowly enters me. He does everything so slowly and with such intensity that it makes me nervous, but I also realize how sweet it is and that astounds me. Where did I find this guy?? He's amazing! He doesn't tell me when he's come but I guess when because he suddenly slows down to a snails place, but he doesn't exit which is not the norm for me. He's kissing me and looking into my eyes and I'm so ridiculous cause all I can think about is that this is not proper condom etiquette, because you're suppose to pull out shortly after ejaculation so nothing spills! After an eternity he withdraws, gives me all these soft kisses and leaves to go dispose of the condom- naked. I don't peek, out of shyness and maybe because at this point I'm still feeling all defense mechanism-ey still and I don't want to get possibly turned off by him not looking so hot naked (shallow perhaps but that's how my defense mechanisms work)... For how the next two times went- tune in next time-hehe (that's my wicked naughty little laugh for you!!).
Luv, Jane

Change of heart

2005-07-07T02:38:00.000-04:00

When you're happy, there's not always time to write much. When so much is happening, it is hard to reflect on your past. All I have right now is the fact that I'm loving the direction my life is going and I'm beaming.

The weekend took me out in Georgetown and I spent the fourth in DC (Did anyone take the metro afterwards? Oh my!). And I spent most of my time with Mark. I don't know what happened, but I completely changed my way of thinking about him!

It started Friday. I met up with him and a few of his friends and we went out to Georgetown. The first moment I saw him, my heart kind of jumped. He looked so adorable and hot. He introduced me to his friends and was holding my hand in front of them. It felt a bit premature but for some reason I didn't mind that much.

I had been talking to my IM boyfriend (we've now moved to the phone, he'll be in town this month- DRAMA ;) ) about how I was freaking out about Mark and didn't know what to do and he told me that I couldn't string Mark along and that I had to tell him what I was feeling... So I did. And he was awesome about it. He was like,

"That is completely understandable. I was wondeing why you were so distant. I'm glad you told me. I like the way we communicate. The fact that we tell each other everything". And then I felt guilty about my celebrity politicians ex home shenanigans (no not G.Stephanopoulas's) so I said,

"Well I havem't told you everything..."

His brow furrowed,

"What do you mean? What haven't you told me?" I gave him a helpless, uncomfortable look. He steps closer into me, searching my eyes.

"You can tell me." I let out a sigh.

"Well, it's probably not even relevant for me to say. It really is unimportant, but when you said that we tell each other everything... well, it made me feel guilty."

"Just tell me."

"Ok, well remember last Saturday when I told you I got really drunk?"

"Yeah, and you said you got pissed off at some guy but you don't remember why." (By the way the next morning I was still drunk and I was pissed at that guy but I have no idea why)

"Yeah, well something happened..." He gave me this look and took a slight step back and said,

"You slept with him." He said it matter of factly as if it weren't a question. His eyes kind of darkened as he said it.

"No! God, no! Don't you know me at all? Of course not! I kissed him, I think." He looked at me long and hard as if he were making his mind up about something.

"Well we haven't been dating long and we never discussed exclusivity. I'm glad you told me. I'm not happy about it, but I guess I can't hold it against you"

Later on he told me that if this were to happen after 6 months of dating it would be the end all cause he doesn't need that kind of immaturity. He's right. He told me he hasn't kissed any one since our first kiss (2 months ago) but has had the opportunity, but he said,

"Don't take this the wrong way but the reason I haven't kissed anyone isn't because of you, but more cause it didn't seem to feel right or be the right kind of situation"- that kind of attitude turns me on!

I looked around the bar and except for the bartender (who gave off a gay vibe- sadly I'm attracted to that- DON't ASK) he was the hottest guy there and he was standing right by me all night with his eyes on me and his hand somewhere on my body ;).

We got back to his friends place and had some more alcohol (Yeah, I know- gotta stop!) and I played my routine one-of-the-guys part. He raised his eyebrows in amusement everytime I said "Fuck" and when I brought up porn.

We then went back to the guest bedroom and I devoured him. As soon as we closed the door behind us, I grabbed him and began kissing him, pulling him as close as possible to me. We both started undressing each other, undressing ourselves and fell into bed with a tumble.

I remember kissing that hot chest of his (his chest, calves, hands and arms are my favorite part. Funny side note story about that. We were lying snuggled on the couch and he was telling me a serious, long story about a country he has visited. And while making a point, he accidentally flexes his arm. SO I stare and I follow that musled arm to the place where it connects to his body and then his pecs. I reach out and place my hand on one pectorial. Then look up at him and he doesn't seem to notice. AFter he finishes his story, i say, "You are so not observant. WHile you were telling that story, I totally checked out your arm and chest and then I felt you up!". He smiles cockily, "Oh I noticed. I just wanted to finish my story"- hehe). And I love going down but for some reason I didn't with him that night. Perhaps out of nervousness? And maybe because in the past, making a relationship so sexual changes the dynamic into something a bit more about domination, submission, or control. Perhaps I will write more on that topic at a later date.

Anyways, he then flips me over so I'm on my back and begins kissing his way down my body. He gets to the good spot and he does this thing that I love. When a guy kisses all around, not just the two hot spots. He gives my inner thighs and everywere these cute, little kisses that then progress into a little more...

ANd then we almost had sex. But not quite ;).

He then came over Sunday and we hung out with my family. They LOVED him. They thought he could keep up with me and handle me and I have to admit, I agree. I think now we're both comfortable enough to tease and joke and call each other out and he was superaffectionate with me in front of my family which I loved and they probably loved even more!

He spent the night and the next day we went to see the fireworks. While they were going on, we were standing and he had his arms wrapped around me and his head on the crook of my shoulder and a photographer for one of our newspapers came and took a picture of us (I haven't seen the photo anywhere yet).

I know I have a million more stories to tell you, as well as one of my friends predicaments about who her baby's daddy is- but that will have to wait! It is 2:40 am!

Celebrity Politician's Home

2005-06-30T02:57:00.000-04:00

I've been a bad updater. When things get crazy in my life, I have no time to reflect. So here are the updates and my thoughts on them...

Yes, I finally saw (though not that well- the lighting was dim and I was trying not to stare) and touched Mark's penis. I wasn't disappointed, but it did not leave me overfilled with a desire to worship it and insert it inmy mouth and certain guys' dicks can do that. And once again, I am not talking about girth or length but overall smoothness. The way it feels in your hands.Now Mark's wasn't rough but it wasn't one of those dicks where you are just amazed by it. But of course there are more important to consider. Mark just doesn't excite me. I don't see him and wnat to do him. Simple as that. But I'm hooping it will change.

One of the reasons I may be so iffy about Mark- AGAIN, is that I misbehaved this weekend. I was in a political celebrity's old, gorgeus home and there was this guy there and we were raiding the liquor cabinet- and whoops! I'm becoming one of those people that if I were the opposite sex I wouldn't let in. I'm just not trustworthy when I drink. I completely blacked out and definitely remember kissing him (and what is up with alcohol and blackouts? Alcoholic you say? But some people never get them but get sick while I never get sick but black out) and a few select moments of absolute inappropriateness. But I can't say that I had a good time, don't remember enough to say either way. It was funny, cause this guiy was saying how I was his "dream" girl (his words, not mine) and was asking me what would make him my dream guy (cuz I said he wasn't yet cuz I hardly knew him), so I said, "Well you're a good looking guy, you seem nice but how could I say you're my dream man? The only thing you could possibly say that would make you my dream man (now I never lay my cards out this early cuz then a guy will just pretend to be that way, but I was wasted and was hoping not to see this guy again so I could focus my attention only on Mark) would be if you told me you had only slept with one girl. Then it would be over. Then we'd just have to go upstairs!". ANd his jaw drops and he goes,"I seriously have only slept with one girl!" and I go, "What a line! You're just saying that!" and he calls in his friends our mutual female friends who all knew him his whole life and asked them to tell me how many girls he had slept with and they all go 1!! So I guess I had to make do with my promise? Nah, I'm joking about it but I feel bad. I'm a one woman kind of girl (or at least I hope/ want to be) and although Mark and I aren't exclusive, I don't want to be like all the guys I badmouth for their lack of self control and sluttiness... So there...

I don't want to get into here, cause it's been overdone, but my ex's friend decided to tell me some unsettling things about the relationship, from what he knew at least. I gotta admit it "unsettled" me, perhaps that is why I went into the past mode. Maybe I blocked feeling about it when it happened by dating everyone and their mother that when I hear about it or remember, I get shocked that it even happened. It may affect who I let in and who I'm attracted to but that's about it. I really am more wise for it and I now know a humans infinite goodness (through myself, family, friends, other guys) and also their infinite capacity for evil (through him, myself etc). But how the fuck is a guy (my ex's friend) so clueless to try to unload his guilt for what he saw but never said onto me later? There is a such thing as too much information, gentlemen- just kidding! When you're typing it's hard to display humor or playfulness. I suppose a good reader can discern that or maybe is it a better writer would display that... Food for thought ;).

Night.

Secrets, secrets...

2005-06-21T03:31:00.000-04:00

I talked with one of my guy friends from college on the phone tonight. He wants to visit and he was being all flirtacious... But you see he was the best friend of that horiible ex... It's funny that that's the only way I refer to him these days. Like I don't even want to say his name. Like I can't. So many people have his name but it's like when I'm refering to him... I can't.

This friend of his, Alex, was the one who told me what a lying piece of shit the love of my life was. When it happened I was in such a shock, I could hardly function so I took a guy in my bed, continued my life and stayed friends with Alex. Even though I always resented him for being the wingman and cause he never quite knew how to treat me during the months that followed.

It's funny to see that even though I was a fragment of a person at that time- I still had my pride. I hid everything from Alex, put on a brave face and pretended I wasn't as devastated as I was... As I am. Get over it, you'll say... And I know. But on the phone with Alex, he was crying to me on the phone about the break up of his four year relationship and asking me how I did it. And I said to him,

"Alex, there's something I never told you, that I don't think I ever showed you... No, I know I never showed you. When what happened to em happened, I was a mess. I could hardly function. It took me forever to-

"I know" he said.

"Wha- How did you-" I stammered.

"I knew you were hiding it. Cause what happened to you isn't what happens to everyone or at all like what happened to me and Laura-"

"I know but-" I tried to interject thinking he would minimize what went down.

"WHat happened to you was pure evil..."

And it was. He probably knows more about what went on behind closed doors than I would... And it hurts to be reminded. I can go a whole month completely forgetting (like the BSB song, "I try to go on like I never knew you") and then I'll be reminded like today and it's all I can think about.

How do you get over something like that? Something like one person absolutely, completely rejecting you and being so cruel when you're down and when it's your first love, the only man you've ever trusted? And I'm not talking about the cheating, I could get over that any day of the week. But the meanness of how he was after I found out, the mean things he said, the way he wouldn't talk to me- the wiping clean of his dirty hands and leaving me to clean up his life and reconstruct my life and self esteem when I had given it to him. And then I feel sorry for myself and I am like "Why me?". I never had much of a father figure, never been a girl so fatherly loved... Why would life send this kind of experience to me? Or is just chance, me making my choices and like the roll of the dice. Holocaust victims didn't deserve what happened to them. But holocaust survivors seem to be so wise, almost forgiving, so much stronger... I just feel the opposite. I've rebuilt my self esteem, I don't think I deserved what happened or that it was my fault. I know who I am, what I am, and what is extraordinary about me. And I have been blessed somewhat with looks, friends, talents, intelligence- all those things. And I'm thankful for every single one... I just can't get over something so brutal. I'm sure you don't want to read about this, I wouldn't! But I treat this blog as kind of a journal and if one person can look at this entry and feel less alone or relate than maybe that is why I am subconsciously writing it. I think we all have our tragedies, our weaknesses- where we feel so alone, almost too unique or different. But a lot of us have the same foundation how we wnat our life to be, who we want to be. A lot of us have the same guilt and shame and the same feeling of helplessness in a world that turns so fast and throws such overwhelming tragedies or obstacles at us with the toss of a dice.

The Question: Do you want to see his penis?

2005-06-15T15:10:00.000-04:00

A blog I was reading (I've been reading blogs lately- they are so addictive!!) called "Kathryn on..."

(click to read the post I am refering to or to check out the site- http://kathrynon.blogspot.com/2005/04/question.html )asks you to yourself a certain question to gauge your feelings on a guy your interested in. Now if you've been reading, you know I've been talking to this guy named Mark that I am just not sure which way to go. It isn't him really. Cuz he's perfect sweet, sensitive, good-looking, honest, seemingly faithful, and most importantly sooo into me ;). But I've been blaming it on my defense mechanisms to why I can't get into him. The problem is when I have defense mechanisms I actually find my stomach turning, almost getting repulsed by the object that is bring up my defense mechanisms and I just feel... well, uncomfortable. This is a problem because if a guy totally wrong for me comes along, all I feel like doing is having sex with him and I sit around moping because I wish I could be with him but know it's not good for me because he is a cheater, a liar, insanely cruel or a mixture of all three. Then the hot, sometimes even edgy nice guy comes along and I don't want to have sex with him and I describe our interactions with a lot ofs "He hardly knows me and he already seems to really like me and I just wish he'd get off me"- hehe. Sucks, yeah. So I actually have a physical reaction to my defense mechanisms and can hardly force myself to do anything but bail on the guy. Can anyone relate or gotten over that? Please help!

But anyways I asked myself the question about Mark to see if I could shed some clarity on the situation and.... this is what happened... The question is (Now ask yourself the question about a guy you currently might be into) Do you want to see his... PENIS?

And just like I can't quite gauge my feelings for him. I couldn't quite gauge my instinctual reaction to the question which means the question works!! Isn't that so weird? You'd think I'd get a clear reaction. But when I first read the question I didn't get grossed out but I felt nervous and uncomfortable AGAIN-lol. There was this feeling like yeah, I want to see it out of curiosity because if it's great (and no, I'm not talking about size but smoothness, cuz that is what I LIKE!!) I might like him more. But I wouldn't say I was indifferent to the question of seeing his penis because yes, I guess I do want to see it but I'm not quite sure the kind of reaction I will have to it. Guess I have to find out!! Luv, Jane

Dirty Talk

2005-06-13T17:53:00.000-04:00

So I was naughty this weekend- VERY! After reading that blog all day Friday, I had all these new ideas with no one to practice them on! See, Mark was out of town and let's face it- I'm not sure how into him I am so not the best time to speed the physical along... Or is it? ;)

So anyways, I go out to the Arlington bars a bit late and I'm introduced to this cutesy guy named Kyle. To be honest, it's not the looks that really mattered at this point, nor his personality. But he was frat boy cute with a backwards baseball cap and pretty blue eyes. Now just so everyone knows Mark and I have only had a few dates and we have not had the talk yet so we are not yet exclusive... But I do feel a little guilty... More on that at another time...

Anyways so I can tell this guy Kyle is interested and I'm flirting back because he's adorabel in a little boy sense. Very boyish looking, which every once in awhile can be attractive but I prefer manliness most of the time. To make a long story short. He's friends with my guy friends and we go back to his place for afterhours and Phil is there. Y'know that asshole of a cheater that I am just crazy for. I think he's single now but I think the other boys have caught on that I maybe like him, so I haven't confirmed for sure. And nor do I care, I may be into assholes but not obvious assholes. Puh-lease! Have more decorum. So I'm drinking a lot, perhaps to get more drunk so I can talk to Phil, when Phil passes out. And I am left bored. Kyle swoops in and offers me his bed... Well you know where that is going!! So I say yes and he tries to get me to change into one of his tshirt and boxers and I politely decline. BOYS, we know where you're going with this. You're hoping to get easier access to all our naughty parts with such a big tshirt and big boxers that you can easily slide your hands whereever. We're flattered, BUT WE'RE ONTO YOU ;)!

So as soon as my head hits the pillow, he begins kissing me and he kisses like an amateur. But I have just finished reading Moxie's blog and want to be a confident, sexual woman like she is. So I decide to let this go on. He's kissing me a bit hard and I kiss back but wondering if this boy has any skills. And then he does it and I'm not quite sure how he did it. One second his lips are on mine and BHAM! The next minute my boobs are exposed and he's all over them and he's good! He's damn good! And then get this, I start barking demands, "Harder! Oh yeah baby, like that. Pinch them! Ohhh I like that!". Who knows what kind of craziness I was spouting, I was trying to dirty talk during boob-licking. And he's like, "You like to talk dirty, don't you!?" and I'm thinking, "Not particularly. But maybe I do." . I have always enjoyed dirty talking to myself through physical encounters in my head. I LOVE dirty-talking porn... I had a boyfriend that would incorporate a little dirty talk like, "Tell me how it makes you feel" or "Does it feel good?" or "Tell me that I make you want to blah blah" but nothing hardcore. My European fling once initiated some and we both blushed. I'm not against trying dirty talk, I guess no one full out confidently tried it with cause let's face it, if you're gonna do it, you're gonna have to do it with confidence.

I woke up hungover and completely embarassed. But at least I know a little bit about what turns me on. Cause although that is all we did. It definitely worked for me. DEFINITELY. And not the guy, the way I was. Progress? I think so ;).

The Boys in my LIFE as of 6/10/05

2005-06-10T15:58:00.000-04:00

Everyone has been so great in the comments section. I guess a lot of us have been dicked around!

I am going to start talking more candidly about the guy happenings in my life. Wouldn't it be funny if eventually I post about actually finding my version of "Mr.Right"? Yeah, probably not gonna happen. But we can dream right? ;)

First off, we've got Mark. Tall, well built, blonde, blue-eyed, handsome, Mark is a dream. But you know that book, "He's just not that into you"? Well I'm just not that into HIM! Could be cause he's a total nice guy and I am just accustomed to evil men. I HOPE that's not the reason. I can't quite put my finger on it. But for one thing, he is quiet, a little on the shy side and who am I kidding? I am the life of the party!! Could he keep up? I'm not so sure... He hardly asks me any interesting questions and seriously knows zip about me except I'm cute and horny, and am a great kisser.... WELL NO WONDER HE'S SO SMITTEN-hehe.

Maybe this is all cause we haven't really fooled around much. We only had one night when we weren't in public and it was our second date (We've been on three and he is now out of town on vacation visiting family before his new job starts). Since it was our second date, I wanted to take things slow.... It went like this...

We were watching this horrendous movie (his choice, some british film with a lot of nudity), and we were talking about our pasts- our drinking, our drug use (not much on my end but while living in England he was an occasional user of mostly everything- I was a bit surprised! We're making eye contact or watching the movie as we talked and suddenly we stopped talking. I could feel my body kind of move towards him and suddenly he was right beside me looking at me. His hand on my waist and then one hand slowly reaching up to touch my face... Ouch! That move always kills me. But it was premature, there was no need for sweetness here. He begins kissing me, at first kind of tender and hesitant and then a little faster and heated. I'm not quite feeling it yet so I slow down the kissing and then I think, "Fuck it! Let's take his lead and see where this goes" so we're kissing like mad. "I remember you being a good kisser..." he mumbles. He has these nice, full Brad Pitt lips and he uses them so skillfully. Opening and shutting them and then sucking on my top or bottom lip. I start to finally feel it and a scoot closer to him and drape one leg over him so that our bodies are in full contact.

He rolls on top of me. This is my favorite position ever and I open my legs and wrap them around him as we kiss. I begin to gently pulse my pelvis against him and then he follows suit, thrusting above me so that we're grinding up against each other.

Then I roll on top of him. He is touching my face and moving my curls off of my face. Then his hands travel down my neck, gently run down my boobs to my waist and then he cups my butt. We're not even kissing at this point. Just breathing heavy and he begins guiding my hips against his. He begins to moan which I find to be such a turn on because I'm a loud girl, I like a loud guy!

We don't kiss, we just move together. And let me tell you, that boy had skills! I began to kiss him slowly and teasingly and run my hands over his broad chest that still had a shirt on that concealed the nipple piercing he had told me about. Normally I don't think it's hot but he comes off as so conservative (Brad Pitt in a suit) that it was this turn off for me. I knew I didn't want to have sex with him yet. It would be just be too soon and nor did I want to whip anything out so I figured this would be the point where I stop things. So mid kiss I pull away, sigh and plop down next to him. He brings me to him so that my head is resting on his chest. "I'm impressed! You have great breaks." he says. "I know." I say with a giggle.

And that is our most heated moment... Perhaps if I let things progress more... I'm not sure what's wrong with me, I just feel numb and although during the make out session, my body responded to him. When I look at him he doesn't scream out "SEX!" to me, like certain guys do. SO I don't know... I'm not giving up on this one...

The other day someone posted on our company's bulletin board that they needed a housesitter. I responded and we set up a meeting. We agreed to meet at the gentleman's house. I assumed this guy would be some old fogey, in his 40's or something- too ancient to interest a 24 year old girl like me. But when he opened the door. He looked to be in his 30's maybe. He had this slightly longish, glorious hair and when I mean longish, I mean short just not cropped to his head- y'know with a little length to it! Pretty blue eyes, tan, a little on the short side but with these compact, noticeable muscles. When I saw his calves, I nearly died. I noticed kids toys all around. I was like, "Guess he's married". He sits me down, offers me a glass of wine (I decline I'm driving) and the interview begins. He seems a little nervous and at certain points he hardly makes eye contact but when I look away, he kind of stares at me. I'm thinking, "This is cute buddy but where's the wife!". And then the kids run down and he introduces me and they're fine kids but I'm looking for the wife. He begins to ask me about my job. And when I mention a project I'm working on it he says his wife once worked on that. BINGO! So I ask, "What does she do now?" and he looks down, "Oh she's not with us anymore. (Long pause. I'm thinking Divorce?) She passed away 2 years ago". My heart melts in my chest. I know, I know. This is probably what every female does. But I'm sitting here looking at him with his 2 kids- all alone in this huge house and I'm thinking, "Momma's home!!"- Just kidding, I'm a commitmentphobe of sorts. But I am looking at him with new interest... Suddenly his nervousness is adorable and I can kind of feel this sexual heat between us. When he brushes my arm... Whoosh! It's raining outside so he invites me to stay but I say I have to go, cause I do have a prior engagement. SO he walks me to the car with this huge umbrella and I'm painfully aware of every time our body touches. And voila, the next day I receive an email saying I am the "It girl" and that I have the job-hehe. We'll see what happens with that.

The final guy is my IM boyfriend who I told you about earlier- who guess what? Is visiting DC in July. Whooo-hoo!! If I'm not getting a lot of action this month, I don't know who is! -j/k. Imagine if I get none this month... That would be so sad!! We'll see what happens... Luv, Jane

Sex and Moxie

2005-06-09T16:45:00.000-04:00

I know I should be updating you on how the weekend went and my life and stuff, but all day at work I've been reading this one blog that is just fantastic! All the drama, I swear it is like my life!

Oh yeah, did I tell you I'm sick? Sore throat, fever- sucks! I'll update soon- promise. Here's the link to the blog I've been obsessed with today-lol.

http://sexandmoxie.blogspot.com

More of my Secret- REVEALED

2005-06-09T12:00:00.000-04:00

During my previous secret post, I left out a lot of details which you deserve to know. So I thought why not tell a little bit of it. The thing is it is so hard to explain how it went down.

I was wih this guy in college for two and a half years. I lost my virginity to him and in the begininning the relationship was so good, like it always is. But then it went sour...

It was like this inch by inch change in him in which he went from totally in love to moody and indifferent and argumentative. I blamed myself thinking I was doing something wrong. I didn't realize it was his guilt.

We were together all the time except for one or two nights per week... That's when the cheating would happen. No affairs- just one night stands. I sensed something but I was too naive to know what it was but I always checked up on him which must've meant I had some sort of suspicion.

One of his best friends who became my best friend ended up hinting about it one night when we were drunk. My then asshole boyfriend denied it. I wanted to believe my boyfriend so bad (It would make things easier and I could continue loving him) but I just couldn't, something felt so wrong. I started going to the girls he supposedly cheated with. Most were cruel and horrible to me, for they were acquaintances and therefore knew what they had done was wrong and either denied it and called me a psych,o or told me it was none of my business (bitches!).

Finally, I talked to one girl who hadn't known about me or that there was a girlfriend. She was kind to me, feeling like a fool herself for believing he was single. She told me everything and it wasn't pretty. Too much detail, I almost got sick. My bastard of a boyfriend had broken up with me while I was crying to him on the phone because he said I was "too untrusting". After talking with this girl, I called him to let him know that I had talked with that girl and "we found out some interesting things and laughed and laughed". He hung up. That was one of my only moments of pride.

I drunk dialed him a few times crying. He drunk dialed me once to deny the cheating but to say that he was sorry for everything he put me through. The last time I saw him I asked him if he was still lying about how he cheated on me. He laughed and said, "Yup, I'm sticking to my original story". I punched him in the face...

What angers me the most was that I sensed something but didn't completely grasp it. The next part that really makes my blood boil is that he didn't give me my God-given right to Reject HIM and express my anger to him of what a douche-bag he was. I never got the "I'm sorry" or "Please take me back". He just washed his hands clean of me and turned his guilt into hatred of me. That is hard to live with. I also get pissed that I gave so much because I thought it would keep him faithful. Sex twice a day even if I was swollen or it was painful. A BJ once a day as well. That pisses the hell out of me... I'm jaded but I know that not all men are like that. I can't get rid of my anger, my hate of him, or the defense mechanisms I've built to keep assholes like him away. He lives in NYC and works at a Record Label. I refuse to live in NYC or any place that would have any proximity to him. When I visit NYC, I am paranoid I will see him out. I haven't yet- thank God, but the fear of his presence is enough to choke me. My college roommate saw him an elevator at a party she went to. Apparently he lived there.

I was "the last to know" and therefore I believe in brutal honesty. You tell everything and your partner really gets to know you and accepts you as a flawed human being.

Maybe in the comments of my Secret Post, everyone is right. Maybe when men treat as bad we should stand up and do it right back. Confession? While I'm appalled at my behavior, punching him felt so good, it was better than any orgasm I'd ever had with him. Psycho? Maybe Deserving? Yes. Satisfying? 100 %.

SECRETS

2005-06-08T17:08:00.000-04:00

You know what site I read that was absolutely beautiful?

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Some of the secrets on there like the one where the person says, "I tell people I don't believe in God, when really, I refuse to worship a God who would let my Grandfather hurt me like he did", etc.

It made me wonder what my secret would be... Hehe, I know what my secret would be. There is one that I would never write unless I knew it was anonymous. And here I am not 100% anonymous. But to some people I am ;).

Anyways, the secrets that I could write about would be... well, one would be that every day I feel like I pay for my father's sins. I live my life each day and make every decision based on the fact that he left. Every mistake I've made has basically based on that. I've repeated his sins- of course in not so harsh and final terms- in my relationships and I've had guys be like him to me. And every day I wonder what the hell I did wrong that his decisions have to affect me so much. I know what you're thinking. I don't have to let them, but somehow they do. Psychologists are so right when they say you repeat your parents sins. You become them. Because I've been my dad but even worst I've had boyfriends like my Dad unknowingly and that is what I hate the most. That you can find yourself attracted to the one type of person you hate... yech. And then in turn, I've become this weak, sniffling version of my mother who always tries to take the higher ground. And one day I snapped. I didn't take the higher ground. I went for a low blow. And that affects everything- who I am, who I want to be. Because it confuses me. I want to be a good person and I believe in treating others how you want to be treated but when I was faced with the guy who dicked me over the most in my life- led and cheated and manipulated. I couldn't be the better person. I couldn't just walk away. That felt weak to me at the time, so I fought back with words and insults and anything else I possibly could- ANYTHING. And what does that make me? I completely disgraced myself in his eyes and in the eyes of the witnesses around us. I proved to him in his warped mind that I deserved his treatment. He learned no lesson cause I couldn't be woman enough to see it through. I saw it through for two and a half years, taking his bullshit with an open heart and as a good person, and then finally at that last meeting I dirtied my hands like his. Instead I had to stoop to his level and my father's level and contradict everything I stood for. It's hard to live with that. It's hard to know I will never get the closure or the apology that I so deserved and that even though, I gave so much and endured so much with perfect grace for 2 and 1/2 years, it will be the last moments that he will always remember. It's hard to come to grips with the fact there is a possibility for cruelty in me. I hate it.... But I guess that is what makes us so exquisite our capability for the most infinite good and also the most brutal evil...

Whooo! That turned into more than I thought it was going to be! Anyways now you know my secrets!

Luv, Jane

Vida, Adams Morgan, and Bootycalls ;)

2005-06-03T14:46:00.000-04:00

Just to let you guys know, this weekend Vida is having an outdoor happy hour and DJ party on Saturday called "Reggae and 'Ritas".

I will most likely be in the Adams Morgan area with my guy friends, my hot 22 year old sister, and yes- that loser booty call guy did instant message me again and insisted on my number so maybe him too... But NOTHING is happening!!! :) Luv, Jane

Defense Mechanisms

2005-06-01T14:06:00.000-04:00

I have them. You have them. But most importantly, I have them- heehee.

You're not born with defense mechanisms. They gradually thicken themselves like a blister hardens into a callous. Some people acquire them early on from lack of paternal/maternal love or because they recieve misguided love. Others become jaded by friendships gone wrong or even worst- LOVE gone wrong.

It doesn't really matter where you got these defense mechanisms. It is how you use them. So when a guy treats you badly, defense mechanism him! Tell him his behavior brings back painful memories, his behavior hurt you, you are out!! A guy waits days to call you after and you're not even in to him- defense mechanism his ass!! He won't know what hit him!!

... Then there is the sad part about defense mechanisms. When you push away the ones you really should keep around. When you really start to like someone and then... it just gets uncomfortable...

I am at that point right now. I like Mark (I think) but I am constantly questioning him or what I feel for him. Fun little surprises I found out this weekend... (This would make sense if you met him why it's such a surprise because he dresses and looks a little conservative)

1) Nipple pierced (1 to 10 on the hotness factor?- 9 1/2!!)

2) Has done drugs in his past, lots of 'em! (5- doesn't matter either way!)

3) Sexual Partners? Between 10 and 15 (Ladies, that means 20 and my ranking for that is a 3! Why do I always end up with these easy men!)

4) Cuddleability factor? 10

5) Kissing skills? 8 and 1/2 and that's good for me!

Luv, Jane

Weekend Plans and a Booty Call

2005-05-27T13:40:00.000-04:00

I've got a date Friday night with you know who. Saturday I will be up, partying it and will bring my hot younger sister (22)! Anyone heard of anything good? I'm thinking maybe Chloe... And Sunday I may head over to Arlington to Clarendon Grille for the party they have going on over there!

Here is an update on my life.

This guy that I was I guess you would call "friends with benefits" my last semester in college (He never called me his g/f and shyed away from the "talks", and we never went out on a "date" just bars) instant messaged me recently out of the blue (we hadn't talked in over a year) because he will be in the area and from what it sounded like, I think he wanted a booty call! Yuck. I am wayyy over that. He may have had me over the moon in college but not anymore!

Luv, Jane

Front Page for Happy Hour

2005-05-25T15:38:00.000-04:00

Front Page tomorrow for happy hour!! Come hang out!

Luv, Jane

MONOGAMY- To do or not to do?

2005-05-24T17:28:00.000-04:00

As I am beginning to embark on a possible relationship with a mouth-watering specimen of the opposite sex (oh that's a mouthful! No pun intended!), I begin questioning the lifestyle changes I'll have to adapt to. And the main one is: MONOGAMY. Women swoon at this word, Men, well men just hide from it! But as a woman, I have a dual relationship with it. I like the idea but in the throes of it, it's hard to practice what I preach.

Long ago when I was a young girl, I was taught that monogamy was natural. Monogamy was the only way to go. SO I mostly had monogamous, unreciprocated school girl crushes. In my first relationship, monogamy came quite easily to me. My second relationship, while it took some effort, it was not a huge obstacle. In my third, monogamy became a problem.

In college, it is celebrated to be single and "roving". Mark your territory a little here, mark your territory a little there (hehe, sorry had to). I became accustom to my single lifestyle of constantly checking out guys, accepting certain, more appropriate advances (what is appropriate is all in the eye of the beholder- the lady), and being able to kiss whoever I wanted and then flirt with the guy who lived next door. It was all in good fun because everyone was open and honest, and everyone knew that there was no commitment involved- unless you went on a sucession of dates.

I have been mostly single for over a year now. In my post graduate singledom, I have relished looking where I want, flirting with what I want, and sometimes touching what I want. I have had no strings attached. I could do or go where ever I wanted, when ever I wanted.... Alone, grant it, but I could! It's been a mixture of lonely emptiness with a fun, careless ego boost. Now it almost seems like second nature to me to entertain fantasies about anyone who I so choose. That was until now...

See, lately when I act out my usual single ways (IM boy was all over my naughty dreams!), I've been feeling guilty. I realize this is because, although we are not exclusive, we have been dating and that means we might be trying to start something...

In my younger years, I would have started working on my faithfulness and loyalty right away. But I can't find the motivation, when I am still not certain where this relationship is going to go.

A part of me is going to miss undressing men with my eyes. I'm going to the Courage Cup and when Kelly Ann (www.washingtonsocialites.com) posted that picture of that hot Polo player, I got excited at the idea of going and well... picking up guys. But now, that's not necessarily the best idea for me. I should be working on maintaining my attraction to my current man of the hour instead of squandering it on someone new- who might not be as qualified to get with me in other areas (and not the dirty areas- sickos!).

Which brings me to the question... Is monogamy natural? Are some men right when they say that we are exactly like some of the animals in that we are meant to stuff our faces in any boobs, or crotches we see? Or are the others right who say we are more evolved like the doves who mate with only one partner their whole life....

The way I see it, is this way. You have a personality. You mix that with whatever socialization you acquire in all of your formative years and then you make a choice and you work on it. Either you work hard at it or you get lazy and let it go either way. So is there a more "natural" option? Maybe not. Are we meant to be dieting up the wazoo? No. Do we do it- yes. Some people are actually quite good at it(Not me, but it hasn't mattered yet but I know it will when my metabolism slows down in a couple years). There are a million things that go against our natural instincts that we do such as conquering fears, not hitting or killing things when we get angry (cuz trust me, I've wanted to!), not crying in public, etc. SO what is the big deal with this whole monogamy thing?

I have to change a habit. I have to work on it. Am I happier single or monogamied (I should copyright that!)? I don't know, each have their perks. Do I think I'm missing out cause I can't chat up the hot polo players and give them the bedroom eyes? Not if I'm holding my guy's hand.

IM occurence and the Guy I'm dating

2005-05-23T10:33:00.000-04:00

Why good morning my fellow blogger-readers!

Would you like to hear something wildly odd, totally embarassing, and strangely eerie? So remember when I got that computer virus? Well it went through my buddy list and im-ed every single person on there. Embarassingly enough, I had a few people on there who I was acquaintances with in college (friend of a friend) on my buddy list and I would use their away messages as another outlet for a heads up for campus parties. After graduating, I forgot they were on there and never took them off.

There was one guy that I had a crush on and I got his s/n because one of my guy friends had one of those "Click if you're my friend" in his profile and my crush and I both clicked, so our names showed up on the next page. I saw his s/n, added it to my list and never thought about it again.

So after the whole virus thing, I was a bit mortified because I realized that certain people probably didn't have my s/n and would get the virus and therefore know that I had their s/n. Perhaps they'd think I was a stalker. Perhaps you think I'm a stalker. But I'm not. I came to find out a lot of people had my s/n in college to use as a party gauge, so at my school, it wasn't an uncommon thing. I was still mortified though!

So on Thursday, my crush ims me saying I had given him a virus and who was I. I almost died! I sat there wincing as I explained everything and then we got to talking. And each day since then from the beginning of work until the end, we've been iming. All day. Without stopping. In fact we're iming me now. Makes the day go faster. And he is surprisingly different than I'd thought he'd be.

He was this well known, good looking jock at my school. I dated one of his friends, but never him. So now I come to find out that he is this great, amazing guy who from what he says barely dated in college, thinks sex is special, and has less sexual partners than I have. I know what you are thinking, "Impossible! He is lying!". And he may be, but the fact that he would make the effort to lie about that says something about who he wants to be because he lives miles away and I doubt he'll be seeing me anytime in the future, if ever! So he can't be saying that to get into my pants! Cuz my pants are an 8 hour drive-lol.

It's just random how the whole thing went. I'm not reading into it. I just like the distraction and the realization that people aren't necessarily what they seem. It is quite eye-opening for that to ring true since I assume so much these days.

We're gonna have to come up with a nickname for this new guy I'm dating. Because we may be hearing about him more in the future. I can't think of one (I'm open to suggestions). For now we'll call him Mark, cause that turns me on- hehe.

Mark is still on the radar and stronger than ever! I had a great time with him. Everything is new and exciting and I just can't wait to get my lips and my hands on him! He's been calling me faithfully which is so cute. It is refreshing to have a guy so consistent and honest with his intentions. He is a bit older! Maybe you guys were right, older men are better!

Luv, Jane

Sexy Knee High Boots

2005-05-20T16:57:00.000-04:00

Hi there!

Sounds like the happy hour at Topaz was fun, too bad I missed it ;). And I was wearing sexy knee high boots for the occasion. *Damn*.

I've been thinking (and maybe fantasizing... hehe) about that guy I went on a date with. He text messaged me last night which I thought was the perfect choice- not too forward, but not too "lack of effort".

I just worry about the attraction factor. I am so fickle about it and I hate that. I hate that all of my relationships are based on how attracted I am to somebody and whether that attraction can maintain itself over a long period of time. There has to be more to it than attraction (I define it as chemistry mixed with sexual enthusiasm mixed with raw emotion!), right? I can't live my life based solely on emotion... Or is that how life is suppose to be? I let my emotions get the best of me and let's face it, a lot of my decisions are based on sex or thinking about it or avoiding it or trying to attain it or a better quality of it-lol.

Eh, I'm too tired to be philosophical. I am out of town for the weekend and have a date with that guy on Sunday. Whoo-hoo! I'l probably have a more interesting update soon! Especially if the time ever comes where we do it! Ok, ok, I'll stop!

Luv, Jane

Correction Password Unilever05!

2005-05-19T16:57:00.000-04:00

Correction, the password is Unilever05

Sorry! Luv, Jane

A Thank you, A Cancellation, My Cyberspace Modeling Debut, and a First Date

2005-05-19T13:17:00.000-04:00

First off, everyone is so sweet who comments. Thank you! I'm gonna have to post where I go out and when so we can meet up and talk!

Second off, I can't make it tonight to the Happy Hour at Topaz :(. There is a project due by tomorrow at 6 am that must be completed before the working day is over (and I mean who gets up at 4 or 5 to come to work and finish a project!). So I won't make it this time but I will attend another time and I'll let you know so we can meet up and you can put a face to my writings! But I must admit, it is kinda cool being faceless right now! To make up for my cancellation of the happy hour. Here is my web modeling debut- j/k:

http://mambobeautybulletin.com/

username: mambo
password: unilever05

That little pic under Latina Beauty is me. No, I'm not a model nor do I intend to be. My sister made this website for a PR client and used my pic cause it was cheaper than hiring a model, etc. So now you can kinda put a face to the writings...

Went on my date last night. Amazing! It was this rush of anticipation, inquiries, awkwardness, coyness, flirtation, and chemistry! Has anyone ever described a date like that before? No, it's weird. He was cuter than I remembered. Tall, kind of Brad Pitt-esque in a way. A definitely handsome guy. And he was just like me- fidgety, nice, real, and honest. I liked him. But the whole date I was analyzing how much I liked him. Here is a glimpse of the conversation in my head.

"He's cute. Wait- maybe he's not that cute. No he is cute."

"He is so nice! What a nice guy! I need a nice guy... Wait maybe he's too nice"

"This could work. No it couldn't, how could such a nice almost shy guy harness any wildness in me?... No, I need a guy like that. Time to grow up, mature. I wonder if he's good in bed..."

"So is he gonna kiss me? Crapp, I just crossed my arms. Bad body language!"

"I like him, but am I attracted to him? Will he hold my interest? My body's not dying for him... Oo, he touched me, maybe it is..."

Etc. Needless to say there was a kiss at the end of the night. Not as good as the kiss we shared the night we met (I was drunk) but there is some potential, I'm not writing him off. I found myself actually thinking while we were kissing and that's a bad sign. Cause if you can think while being kissed, his lips aren't doing their job!!

Ok, got to get to work! I love the comments. It makes writing this fun and interactive. Plus, it makes me want to write more! If I get a spare moment to breathe, I'll write more later!

Luv, Jane

Using Brad Pitt as a Metaphor to Describe Life

2005-05-18T16:50:00.000-04:00

I read an article on that hunk of specimen that is Brad Pitt and it was absolutely fascinating...

First off, I should write I've always found him attractive from the get go but have gradually respected him more and more because of his choice of film roles (Seven, 12 Monkeys, Snatch, etc). Then he got married and I said, "Guess I gotta put away that naughty little fantasy!" cause a true woman never fantasizes about another woman's property, unless you're in the mood for a little guilt orgasm. But that just leaves you feeling dirty and should be reserved for times you get to have sex where you have THE RIGHT to feel guilty (like when you forget your anniversary, ruin a surprise, take your day out on him, etc).

Then the divorce happened. When the Angelina thing kept being brought up over and over again, I had to reevaluate my respect for Brad Pitt as a public figure. I kept my respect for him as an actor, but did I really want to enjoy and contribute to the success of his movies if I don't like the man behind the actor?

I read the article from GQ by Lucy Kaylin and I got my answer. Now grant it, after reading there is no conclusion to why the marriage ended, or if Pitt had an affair with Angelina, which are none of our business really (but might change my opinion of him if he was a two-timing asshole). But the things he says I can relate to and make me like him. Here are the highlights of what he says:

On marriage being fantastic but a beast:

“Anything worth anything is a beast,” he says. “The thing I don’t understand is looking at this as a failure. It’s talked about like it failed, I guess because it wasn’t ﬂawless. Me, I embrace the messiness of life. I ﬁnd it so beautiful, actually.”

-That's so true. The relationships that leave me feeling so passionate, so satisfied are the ones where you encounter all this hardship and you get through. I know it sounds cliched but with every painful situation I've encountered, looking back I see the beauty in it and teh beauty of my pained grief. At the time, it was hell and it was heartache and it felt dirty, and messy and ugly. But looking back on moments, when I was all alone so devastated in what happened, I can see how if my like were a movie- that would've been the most poignant, pretty scene. Because the pain I felt was real, the way I expressed it honest, and in a way that kind of passion about anything is moving.

On marriage lasting forever, which he doesn't know if he believes:

"A friend of mine wrote to me, ‘Sometimes love changes shape.’ And I just thought, That’s so well put.”

-That is my quote of the day. It's funny cause there's this relationship I once had that I have made reference to in which the love basically turned into this wounded anger/ hate. And if I'm honest with myself, I can't deny there is some sort of love there but the love I had changed form into the a combination of love and its' opposite- a little bit of hate... Now don't look at me like that. What I mean by hate is that I do not wish him well (other than attaining wiseness so he can see what he did). I do not wish him a great love. Cause I was a great love. And he messed us up so why should he have the satisfaction of getting the opportunity of messing another love up? I wouldn't mind him losing his job... Sometimes I wish it- hehe. And in closing, yeah I wish him bad things-lol. That is the extent of the hate, I wouldn't take upon revenge. I wouldn't badmouth him to anyone but you and I wouldn't tell him any of this or even contact the fucker- hehe. But the love changed it's form and that is a prettier way of looking at it!

On architecture:

“I love a construction site,” he says with a moony look; “I guess it’s the possibility of what it could be"

- The woman's mantra about men, "I love him, I love the possibility of who he could be"!!!!!. To which I retort, don't love him for his potential. Love him for him!

For wanting to surround himself (and date!) with the comfort of people who understand:

“I’m not sure what I really mean by this, but there’s just a few of us…like when you go to the Golden Globes and you look across the room, it’s like a convention for all of us who’ve been cut off, in a way. We can relate to each other because we’ve all experienced the same thing. It’s a different life.”

-That's an interesting way to describe fame- cut off. But it rings true, because someone with that kind of fame can't just go to Blockbuster without being approached and they can't walk down the street in peace and quiet because at least one person (I'm guilty too) is going to remark, "Hey aren't you from so and so?".... As a completely non famous female, I hate using the metro because there are those people who stare at you the entire metro ride and all you want to do is lose yourself in thought but how can you when they're staring?? Sometimes I love being anonymous, at other times it is my worst enemy (walking the streets in NYC after a break up and not seeing a familar face or anyone meeting your eyes is not fun). And it is annoying to always have to wash your face and brush your teeth at an unGodly hour just to go to Starbucks in the morning because you know you will see people you know.

So in conclusion? Great article, Great Brad Pitt! And I'd like to end this posting fwith a fabulous quote from the author that seemed like something I would say (or think!):

"And yet he knows what he’s got, and he’s happy to share; in the middle of conversation, almost as a gift, Pitt will stand, as if treating you to the sight of him drawn up to his full height. Then he’ll lean against a chair and stretch out a hamstring. He’ll also unconsciously self-caress—his upper thigh, his head, reaching into his shirt for a circular feel of his chest; given the exclusive access he has to his body, why not?" (Lucy Kaylin)- That would be my exact analysis as well sistah!

Luv, Jane

Bad day, Topaz, and a Date

2005-05-17T18:13:00.000-04:00

Bad day today! Bad day!!

First I overslept and missed the window of opportunity that is set at a specific time in traffic rush hour in which I can actually get to work on time (Any earlier than this set time will result in lateness, go figure, any later will result in EXTREME lateness)!

Then I got a computer virus which proceeded to im any person I have ever put on my buddy list because I have always been too lazy to take them off. So I got a lot of, "I haven't talked to you in ages! How are you?" and so on's because of this.

Then I proceeded to sit at my computer most of the day, working on the same thing which for some reason overwhelms me and I can't fathom! I finally had to put it aside and work on something else or the frustration would've become too much to bear.

And now I have to work late because I put the project aside! Grrr!!!

In other news-lol... I am still on for Happy Hour on Thursday at Topaz. Do come visit. Especially if you are one of the nicer readers! I also have a date tomorrow with the guy from the weekend...

Can I just say this? Whenever I go out to the bars where the attractive men usually are, I meet no hotties and the ones I do have something seriously wrong with them. Whenever I go to some hole in the wall bar where I assume I'll be bored, I tend to meet one amazingly gorgeus specimen of a man and actually like him. Grant it, this is not a rule. There are exceptions, where I meet 80 year old locals who sing when they're drunk and in that case I just enjoy my friends, but it does happen. Perhaps I should stop frequenting the "hot" places in a quest for better quality of men... Nah!!! I like seeing people I know, and going out isn't just about guys- although it would seem that way from the way I talk! Ok, done on the sidenote!

Yes, so back to this date... I think I'll straighten my hair. Hopefully I am attracted to him the way I was when I was drunk :). And hopefully he talks exactly like he does on the phone because it is cuuuuuutee!!

Luv, Jane

The weekend, Thursday's happy hour

2005-05-16T16:29:00.000-04:00

Why hello!

So this weekend was fun. I went to the movies on Friday and Saturday went to a private party where I met this cute guy who called me and who I actually called back! We have a date set for this week... Interesting... At the party, I had a little too much to drink and it made me nervous because I was having an amazingly deep conversation with him and from what he was saying, he was coming across as a good, "moral" guy (we'll see if that was all just talk!). I let him know that when I drink I tend to get more friendly just in case I acted a little too forward. When we said goodbye, the drink took over and I got really close to him and did the whole "staring at him and then glancing down at his mouth" untiol he kissed me. It was a nice kiss. The next day when we talked on the phone, he commented that I behaved myself despite all the alcohol I was consuming so I say, "Yeah but the kiss was a little forward..." to which he responded, "Didn't scare me away!". Too cute! I like a man who can handle my too extremes "the moral good girl" and the "naughty little tease"!

This Thursday, I will most likely be joining some fellow bloggers like DC Bachelor, and I am told Cleveland's Men Park will be there, as well as some of the Washington Socialites at a happy hour at Topaz. Come out if you wanna meet me, cause I doubt I'll be posting any pictures of me soon!

I'll be going away for the weekend so you won't see me out :(. I'll try to post any fun tidbits I come across!

For you gossip lovers, You better believe I'll be watching the Britney and Kevin reality spectacle-lol. A guy I hung out with had a one night stand with Britney back in the day and sold his story to the tabloids (yuck!) and I've met Justin Timberlake before so I enjoy Britney gossip!!

Much love! Luv, Jane

Courage Cup

2005-05-11T15:50:00.000-04:00

So I should let you all know that I was born in
Washington DC (George Washington Hospital to be
exact!) but raised in Virginia... Like where they have
the horse races... Use Great Falls as a frame of
reference if you will.

Not a bad place to grow up but every spring it was all
about going to the horse races or charity events or polo matches to schmooze, bet
(shhh!), and eat it up! Now that I have gotten older,
to drink it up! I'm not one to feel that is necessary
to pay homage to my roots and go, but I attend at
least one or two per season. This season I choose the charity polo match
Courage Cup in Poolesville,MD which trust me, is not
that far from where I grew up!

By the way, work is craazzzyyy!!

Luv, Jane

Discover Yahoo!
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Away for the weekend

2005-05-10T18:07:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so I'm not blogger savvy (i.e. the
paragraph problems which I swear had to do with my
computer and not me!) and I have just learned how to
email an entry. It's my first one, I'm excited! This
means I can post at work but sadly, with a little tact
cause come on! It's work.
I have been missing in action but that problem
will soon be alleviated cause of my new found blogging
skills ;).
This weekend was pure excess. Sorry, I wasn't in
the DC area but spending the weekend away for my
younger sister's college graduation. It was too much.
Except I completely behaved minus a tiff I got into
with one of my sister's guy friends... What can I say,
I'm aggressive when I'm drunk! There are a million
stories to tell but half I don't remember and none are
appropriate for work.
Yeah writing at work is not as easy as I
thought. This little update took me a half hour! Oh
well! Maybe I'll write tonight! Thinkin' of you all, Jane

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Tequila Shots, Ladder Theory, and Promotion baby!

2005-05-02T22:48:00.000-04:00

What's up.

So the weekend went smoothly. Bar hopping galore. The body called and we met out and uh... not so much. He's cute with his shirt off but he was playing hard to get and I am like a) we are in our twenties, we're past this and b) you should be chasing me asshole. So that is the end of him. If he calls again I am gonna throw the nice girl act and be the complete bitch that I know is just waiting to come out! What? I'm sick of being nice all the time. I understand that everyone has feelings that need to be cared about, but I am over being wise for the next couple weeks! Bad girl, here we come!

So I did tequila shots all weekend. And I must admit. I felt sexy doing them! The licking of the hand, the pouring salt, the downing of the tequila and then the hard sucking of the lime! Hot!! As the night progressed I admit I did a few body shots, even hotter than doing it to yourself! But that's the way things go if you know what I mean! ;)

So my little site got reviewed. Hysterical! And here I was thinking this was some sort of experiment!

"Up All Night Jane --Almost cool girl: The girl that has been friends with the hot chicks for a long time so she gets invited to their birthday parties and sometimes gets to sit with them at football games, but they talk about her behind her back. I sure she's nice, but everyone is nice...you honestly just like her so you can copy her Spanish vocab.As a spin-off from the Washington Socialites there is Up All Night Jane who appears to be paragraph indention challenged, but does provide a lot of insight into her "hot, DC area hipster/social queen/whatever you call it" world. Jane is an Aquarius (as am I) so I have to cut her some slack and hope she polishes the site up a bit. A little less "lol-he he" a little more "up all night." Oy, it's so Plath it makes one long for an oven. "

That's hot! I never thought of myself as Plath- y. Yeah I try to be deep. I can't help it! Being constantly looked on as a sex object does that to you! And I'm not chastizing guys for that (well, some guys I am), but maybe more me cause well... I don't have to say it! But, yeah I'm at fault. I want people to know I do have a deep bone in my body and while I do enjoy shopping, clubbing, drinking- sometimes it plain annoys me!

I recently posted to a great little blurb about what girls and guys look for in the opposite sex at the wonderful and hysterical site www.washingtonsocialites.com. I will put it up here cause I wrote a novel and I really should have put it up here!

"I may be in the minority, but for me the power/ wealth thing- albeit makes a person 1/2 notch more attractive- is not an attracting force. My pie would be divided mostly in two- personal attraction, and then a sense of character that is basically defined as the instictual search for a man that gives some sense of security that he would not stray or leave. I guess I am more realistic. You can get the wealthiest man in the world but who says he isn't gonna shame you by cheating or divorcing. Grant it, you'll probably get a hefty sum to live with, but who wants anyones monetray condolences who did the above things.

I must admit to be realistic a man has to be able to support himself (unless I make enough bank for the both of us ala Britney Spears!) but as long as he can support him and I can support me in the amount of personal luxury I want then it's all good.

What I can relate to about the power and money thing is that I am attracted to popularity. And I don't mean the highschool popularity crapp! But the third part of my pie is that I go for guys who are well liked in my social circle and more importantly are easily liked in most social situations and can talk to anyone. Socially impotent guys are the biggest turn-offs to me. But that is just me, some girls like shy!

Oh and the part about girls having two ladders one for guys they're attracted to and one for guy friends (Why you're attracted to some guys and not to others is more of a mystery or an individualistic preference) is so true! I don't lose guy friends who try to be more than friends with me because I let them down so easy. I think it's the wording. You never want to emasculate them or make them feel that they are unattractive because some girls might and do go crazy for them- just not you personally. It's best when you actually have a good excuse to give them such as they've dated a friend, I've dated their friend, or you've been friends your whole life (who wants to ruin that unless it is so there!?), or they play the field a lot (and in this case they will tell you that they would change for you or would never be that way if they had a girl like you and in that situation you must tell them, "I don't want a guy to change for me, I want a guy who's already changed before he even met me". That usually works, although a discussion or argument may ensue!).

Thirdly, I just want to say this- to anyone who is offended by the looks being a huge category, it really isn't the looks per say because, as you know, many hot women date guys that aren't considered attractive or that certain people don't find attractive. Everyone should understand that looks are what we are born with and just cause someone is physically beautiful (i.e. Brad Pitt- who doesn't find him attractive??), it doesn't mean they've accomplished anything special, it ONLY means they won the genepool lottery (or in the fake boobs, peroxide blonde thing, they really worked what God gave them and good for them!). Having said this, I have therefore extended my dating circle to one or two men that I did not find physically attractive, and found that after a few months- kaput! There ain't much keeping you together once the sexual energy gets old! BUT, I do think that if the exact perfect personality I was looking for appeared in a not so physically attractive body (grant it, this man would have to work with what God gave him, y'know can't have someone who took what God gave him and turned it to shit!), I'd grab him any day of the week and twice on Sunday. "

Yeah that's all for tonight. Oh I got promoted and will be making bank soon! I am so psyched. I hope that doesn't make me neglect the other aspects of my life. If it does, oh well! I've only got ten more years of Grade A working time! I'm gonna retire young ;)! Luv, Jane

2005-04-25T08:52:00.000-04:00

So Saturday night was fun. I went out in Georgetown with a few girlfriends and Phil and his friends tagged along. One of Phil's friends told me he and his girlfriend had broken up... but it was a girl who told me who knows if that is reliable. I apologized to Phil for being all up on his business last time but he hardly let me, saying I didn't need to andnot to worry about it, perhaps feeling guilty about it? Or maybe they have really broken up and he's not ready to talk about it yet. Hardly felt an attraction so that was good. And guess who called me last night. The body- hehe. He left a message so I suppose I will call him back tonight.
So I've decided something. I was thinking that when I talked to The body I would apologize for my drunken skanky behavior. But then I thought, why apologize for it? I know that it is not exactly who I am but more of a part of me that comes out with certain guys when I am drunk. Which means maybe I should not drink so much and also maybe it is something in me that wants to come out but only can when I am drinking... Or maybe I just shouldn't be drinking so much-hehe. But I am tired of apologizing for parts of me. Isn't it then a part of who I am? And no one should apologize for who they are.. But then again, I don't want him to think that I am ALWAYS like that cause I'm not... So I'm thinking I'll remark how drunk I was and how funny that he brought the naked out in me, cause that never happens. Not like, he'll believe that cause most girls say they never do something and they're just saying it to not come off as skanks but in my case it really is true cause when I have I had to post any nakedness before. Interesting predicament. I guess when it comes down to it, I'm always struggling with the good girl thing or with the alcohol thing. Which means that I am either in denial about the alcohol thing and justifying my behavior with the phrase "I secretly want to be that way" or I'm on the fence about the godd girl thing and justifying myself with the alcohol thing. Hmmmm... which one?-lol. I dunno, I'm only human! And a very analytical girl- my goodness!! Well, must get back to work, I mean that is what they pay me for- teehee. Luv, Jane

Chloe and That body....

2005-04-23T14:36:00.000-04:00

So I went to Chloe last night- to check it out. And I realize I should've gone sooner!! OMYGOD, I had a great time. Still hungover. Possibly still feeling the effects of alcohol but can I just say that I met the cutest guy. So hot! Exactly my type- lean and on the skinny side with these gorgeus eyes and did I mention the sexiest body ever!? Now I don't mean to gush... Ok, yeah I do but wow. And I was a bit naughty. Totally reproachable behavior. Not only did I kiss him on the dance floor but... I kinda kissed him some more... At afterhours shall we say. I know, I know. Not the smartest move. No sex just so y'all know but the body on that one- it could've been for all the heat in that room!!- j/k, no, no. No sex I PROMISE. I guess I let my hormones get ahead of me cause man it's been awhile. So we exchanged numbers and now I am in an awkward fix cause what I did wasn't the best strategic move (making out with a guy you just met makes him think you do that with everybody) and I actually like him. He sang along to songs in the cutest way when driving and did I mention that body!!?? Hehe, Sorry. So I'd love to see him again in my lifetime. Can't call him... But like I said I'd love to see him again. I hate being girl!! I know, I know what you're saying call the damn boy! ... BUT if a girl calls... Not always the best strategic move. I know what your thinking must everything be about strategies? YES. Why? Cause you know why and if I have to spell it out I'll put it like this. Some guys get turned off by a too soon call or feel like it is their move to call first. They're guys, some like to pursue not be pursued. And let's be honest here. I don't pursue. BUT I admire girls who do make the first move and have often wanted to just do it and see what the heck happens. Is it a turn off? Is it sexy? Does it steer things the wrong way? Is a turn on for me? So yeah that happened last night and it was so much fun! Honestly, I get excited about little things. Remember how excited I was about that British boy and his amazing kissing abilities? Did he call me? 3 times. Have ya heard me mention him again? No. Why? Because I excite easy and then I'm over it. But I got to admit for a drunk hang out all night kind of thing with that guy with the body-hehe, we did click. We were both teases and both prudes and I f*cking loved every minute of it. So ok, sorry about the earlier gushing must be the alcohol talking- I am gonna go flush it out of my system with food and water- and lots of it! Luv, Jane

Sleep-a-holism

2005-04-20T22:54:00.000-04:00

So I've got a problem and I'd like to dub it sleep-a-holism. I had the day off of work today and I set no alarm clock and I woke up at... You are probably guessing 10 am, 12 pm, 1 pm? I wish! 4:30 pm!!! And then I was so bored and sleepy I went back to bed to snooze for a little bit. Now if this were a one time or occasional thing I'd write it off. But this happens every single time I don't set an alarm. EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! I could sleep all day, for hours, anywhere, with the lights on, in the glare of sun, with loud music, you guess it I can sleep through it!! What am I- a sloth? I am a very active girl, I don't get it. I usually get 8 hours of sleep so it's not like I'm sleep deprived!! I come off as energetic and bubbly, but secretly... I AM SO DAMN TIRED!! I must be anemic, there has to be something physically wrong with me to sleep so much.
I'm one of those girls who when a guy spends the night and says, "Let me make you breakfast", I respond with, "No thank you, I'd like to sleep". When a guy comes visit me after work at my place I say, "Before we go out, let's take a nap!". I've had dates that included napping! One of my most surefire ways of weeding men out is to have them nap with me. Cause if anyone can withstand my long naps (even if they're bored out of their minds pretending to sleep) then he's a keeper! Of course I reward him by wearing the cutest things to bed! I'll even let him grope me for a moment or two before I realize that the only way I'm gonna get some sleep is if I fool around for 30 minutes and then he'll let me nap in peace.
Certain men have had a problem with me if they take me somewhere for a weekend because if they don't schedule in a nap each day, I get pissed! "Honey, you're sleeping the day away! It's gorgeus outside!". Don't they know it's the night that is more fun?
Of course I can shock any man with the late night hours I keep drinking and going out, I can match any guy but they must remember that the next day- I need to sleep in and then take my daily nap!

Are you a free spirit?

2005-04-19T22:20:00.000-04:00

So this'll be a short one. Work has been crazy busy and I have a movie I want to watch before it gets too late but I just wanted to say whats up and update you a little bit. SO supposedly Saturday night I kissed a guy friend. But I have no recollection of it and I think he is messing with me but who knows! I do have a habit of kissing strange men when I am drunk maybe I finally kissed a friend. Yuck, guess I gotta stop drinking so much! I wnet through a phase where I refused to get drunk in January but I got over that quick and I suppose I should start that up again! I am already an open, bubbly, adventurous, spontaneous person put liquor in me and that gets times ten and I can get a little over the top! No one's complained yet but I don't expect them too, but I don't like when I do too crazy things. Sure it's a great story to tell but I like my life in control. You know what I was thinking? That I'd love to be one of those free spirits who can move wherever she wants, whenever she wants and I come off that way but I think I like a little security and would be so nervous/ anxious without it. I don't know if that is called realism or if I should be striving to be more like that. Then again, I'm definitely not a hippie-like free spirit, so maybe it wouldn't work out. I liek having a job and I like knowing what is gonna happen. But I guess you never really know what is gonna come next, ya know? I need a good topic to post on next. I am open to suggestions- teehee. Luv, Jane

Drunk and Closer

2005-04-17T21:43:00.000-04:00

So the weekend was great! I partied like a rockstar both nights! Friday night I went to this party in Arlington with Phil and all his friends. There were some hotties there but I arrived late and by the time I got there all the good ones were taken- darn!-lol. Phil was drunk as usual and flirting up a storm. I saw him in a corner with some girl so I went up to him and gave him a look. Later, he came up to me and called me the fun police and said I wasn't his mom and that I didn't know what he was going through or anything about the situation. So I go, "Well why won't you tell me then?" and he said that he couldn't and I said, "What? You don't trust me? We're not good enough friends?" and he just looked so sad and said it wasn't that but he couldn't and then said he and his girlfriend were on a break. I apologized for getting up in his business and said I was sorry I cared so much but I'm his friend and am looking out for him. He asked me why I cared so much and I go, "You really want to know?" and he said, "Yes, honestly please tell me." And I started to stutter because what I wanted to say was, "Because I honestly care about you and want you to be the best version of yourself. Because I am in love with your potential and think about you a little too much. Because I like looking at you and picking your brain and want you to be man enough to be able to honestly and openly love a girl without betraying her. And because I want that girl to me". WHat I actually said was, "You wouldn't understand" and then he said, "I know why because you've been cheated on but I'm not like your boyfriend and this is a totally different situation". I said that wasn't it but luckily we got interupted. Later that night, this girl and I were checking out the guys and she goes, "That guys cute. Too bad he's gay." and pointed at Phil so I said, "He's not gay! He has a girlfriend" and she goes, "ohhh. Oops. He just comes off that way. Then I got to thinking.. He does dress very well and spends a lot of time on his hair maybe that is why he was being so weird about not being able to tell me. Maybe he's secretly gay and is overcompensating by fucking all of America. Food for thought. And I am very attracted to gay men so that would make sense why I want him so bad. Hmmmm....
Saturday night was just as fun. My friends had a table kind of close to the section where Alicia Keyes was. We had champagne and bottles of liquor it was great. I drank myself into a tizzy. NOT a lot of cute guys. One of my guyfriends I dated for a couple months back in college was there and I saw him make out with some girl but it wasn't the first time so I went, "Ew" and rolled my eyes. I was hanging out with one of my girlfriends who is blonde and gorgeus, I believe prettier than me. And we were walking around together looking for hot guys and the hottest guy in the whole place actually came up to me and not her and told me I was gorgeus and gave me his card and tehn walked away. Intriguing approach but I little sketchy. I might just call though. It could be a good time at least- hehe. At 4 we went to Arlington to my exes house where he had sex and I was bored so me and my girl friend tried to go to Red and Five but it was closed. We didn't get home til 5:30 am. And I went to bed with all my clothes still on and I can't remember how or when I passed out. So now I am a waste of space and hungover. How do people do it? How did I do it in college?? I dunno!
I watched the movie "Closer". Wow. Didn't get the end that much but when Natalie Portman broke down I completely teared up and was like, "Natalie, I know." Jude Law's character was such an ass I'm glad he got what he deserved but Julia Roberts character? Not so much. What a wench for stealing another girl's man. Yuck- yuck!
Anyways, time for bed. What? I'm hungover!-lol. Luv, Jane

For the weekend

2005-04-15T11:29:00.000-04:00

So this will be a fluffy piece because I'm in a good mood and feel like being that way-teehee!
I am at work and the day is slow and I am so looking forward to 5 o'clock when I get to get in my car and drive to the salon and get my hair done. I love my stylist. He is hot, straight, and a stylist from the runways of NY and he cuts my hair divinely- pricey but divinely- hehe. I only go to him every 6 months and in between visits, I go to a local hair salon that is still good but doesn't give me the texture he does. I can't wait! Then afterwards I will nap and hopefully not ruin the style he's given me and go out on the town. I just hope I won't extend my nap too long so that I sleep through the night which happened last week-hehe. Not a good thing. Tomorrow night I'm going to Dream- a place I hate, but Alicia Keyes and John Legend are suppose to be there and I'll be all VIP since I'm friends with so many promoters in dc, and who on that night happen to have "the hookup" as they call it. So yay! Ok back to work! Luv, Jane

Kelly Clarkson Song, First Loves and Being Guarded

2005-04-13T15:24:00.000-04:00

Work is slow today. What I wouldn't do for a nap!! Hmmmm... nap, nap, nap. I suppose I could go into my boss's office, lock the door and sprawl out on the floor- but that would be so wrong wouldn't it?... Yeah I tried it, it doesn't feel like the best of ideas!! Can you imagine her getting back from her trip early and then finding me there lying on her floor napping!? Oh the trouble I would be in! I mean at least I imagine so! But if I ever walked into an office and found my supervisee napping I would think it was hysterical and take a picture. Corporate people do not get my humor!- hehe.
So I am bored and at work listening to songs on a headset and I am listening to this gorgeus song by Kelly Clarkson. Who knew? Now I know you guys probably want light, flightly pieces but when I sit down and write I'm not in the mood to be like, "OmiGod I went to happy hour and had the best time!". I mean I did, but that post would be 2 minutes. I think I need to start getting drunk more!-hehe. Cause then I'd have some real interesting stories to tell. But until then, I will post my usual slightly philosophical, introspective, life inspective entry- hehe. So back to this song. Let me post you the lyrics so we can relate together...

"Because Of You"
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Chorus:
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
CHORUS
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
CHORUS

Done, isn't that pretty? You have to hear the way the words flow into the melody. GORGEUS. I'm a huge music fan and I can kind of sing. Ok, I can sing, I don't need to be modest and those little poems I write- well they're more like songs. I have to do something with my time when I'm not working, sleeping, eating, partying, etc. It's a hobby but anyways... so I look at this song in two ways and of course they are biased so I am sure other people have completely different interpretations. But I look at it as either about a parent or significant other and of course I can relate to both but more so a significant other.
So what it made me think about is that we all have these mini relationships with people that start basically in middle school for a lot of people. And obviously I am a bit jaded from mine as a lot of people are... What I am wondering is what if I never had those relationships? I would be a different person. You know the first time you love how you can't hold back because you don't know how to? You don't really worry if it's going to end because in your little misguided fanstasy- it doesn't. It's meant to be and fated and all that crap. And I have to wonder after a heartbreak- maybe even years do you ever get that back? Or is that something that shouldn't be in you. Maybe being that way is naive and stupid and completely too trusting. I miss the person I was when I was young and innocent but I also love the power I feel when I go out and I know that no one can blind me again (then again when you really like someone you find yourself a little biased and a little trusting- I've actually had to stop myself!). For me, it's never about trusting someone and them leaving. I don't really get rejected by guys. It's more about trusting them to be who they say they are and trusting them that they are being true to you, following the agreement you made. Guys don't really leave me, they betray me and I'd so much rather be left.
How funny is this point in my life? I'm sure one day I'll be like how could I have ever thought like that! I guess I just wonder if by me playing it safe, I am missing out on some wonderful things. I don't think so. But how do I know? I am still very adventurous and spontaneous (Sky diving in LA this weekend anyone?) but I am guarded about who I let in. I generally like everyone but I trust them as far as I can throw them and unless I believe that they've had a generally clean track record I don't let them in i.e. a girl notorious for sleeping with her friends exes ain't gonna be my friend anytime soon and a guy who dicks over girls will not be given the chance to dick me over.
You could tell me that some people have sordid pasts and they change for the best and I am missing out. Grant it, I'm understanding... I mean look at me the fact that I let my thoughts linger on Phil shows that, but can people truly change? And never go back to their old ways? Ever in life? And which way is better young and unknowing or wise and too knowing? I don't know if I'd want to be as naive as I was. I truly believed that people were all good and that everything anyone said was the truth. I would feel stupid if I was still that way. But these days I wonder if people knew this side to me- the bitter side not the little girl hurt side cause guys seem to LOOOOVE that, could they relate? Sometimes I feel like I am so different because I have this side to me. But it's funny I am always perceived as the happiest person because I am always laughing, smiling, and filled with super energy and enthusiam. But here I am at my computer listening to this song and all I can think about is how old I feel (I'm 24) and how I feel really experienced and a little jaded. Ewww, yuck! I hate posts like that! Let me know if there is anything you'd be interested in me posting on. I'd love ideas!
Luv, Jane

A metaphor between "The Crucible" and my weekend-lol

2005-04-11T20:19:00.000-04:00

How nice is it outside!? Not to be one of those people who talk about the weather... But can I?-lol.
It was so perfect outside- not too hot that if you run you sweat, but warm enough to wear shorts out during a jog. So yup- that's right, I ran today. Outside. Not in the confines of a gym where you run towards nowhere. And the weather was so unexpected that I refused to wear sweats but could not find one single pair of clean shorts so I ran in my tennis skirt. Yeah, not the best of ideas but it sure felt good.
So this weekend was pretty uneventful. Saturday night in Georgetown was my favorite... Ok, who am I kidding. On Friday, I came home from work for what was to be a power nap and slept through the evening. This new job and happy hours have got me exhausted!! So I had to make Saturday night big! We're talking six in the morning big.
I hung out with my favorite boys and I was the only girl which between me and you, is my favorite because even though I know from experience I can never be one of the boys, I sure felt like one! I matched them beer for beer and we bar hopped, met up with some girl friends of mine, danced and did the whole after hours thing.
There's this one guy we'll call "Phil" and when I first met him I was sooo into him. He was exactly my type. Not too preppy, a little bit of a rebel (intellectually and politically and a little bit socially), one of those I'm too cool for everything but in an endearing sort of way. Almost like he does it cause he's afraid he wouldn't be accepted so he pushes everything away (usually it's the kids who weren't "cool" in highschool but grow up to be uberbabes!). And did I mention he's beautiful? Slightly metrosexual but in a good way- he wears the hottest clothes. Like khakis with a smart t-shirt- and when I say smart I mean like a regular tshirt with satirical phrases like "Never been kissed" or a band's name on it. I was ALL ABOUT HIM. But I soon came to know that he had a girlfriend and that was that. She's his total opposite but then again so am I and I slowly saw that he is a big cheater and has even tried to cheat with me! I don't get that kind of behavior... Having been cheated on, I think it's selfish. If you make a promise- keep it. If you say you're gonna do something- do it and if you say you're not gonna- then don't. All anyone has is their word. I don't understand how people can throw that away so easily. I know what you're gonna say, it's just words. But those kind of words are you, they are your name, and in the book (and in the film adaptation for your non literaries) "The Crucible" (film version starring Daniel Day Lewis)- "But it's my name! It's the only name I'll have in this life!"- hehe. In case you didn't read/ see it, they ask him to sign his name to a lie that betrays his friends and he almost does it to save his life (he wants to be there for the new love he has found with his wife and to get to see the birth of his soon to be born son) but he realizes that he can't sign it because then his son would always see his father's name and his own in conjunction with a betrayl and a lie...
Anyways, Phil was one of the guys I hung out with Saturday and we had a conversation about whay he does what he does because, you see, in my drunkeness, I asked him point blank, "Why do you do it? Is it cause you can? Cause you worry there's someone else better? Self esteem boost? Why?". He said no one had ever asked him that before and that it was a combination of the "cause he can" and the self esteem boost. After that he stared at me all night long and I have to admit I could feel a sort of sexual tension between us... But I ignored it because I would never be THAT girl (again I'll have to post about that one day) and because I would never want to hook up or date a guy who is willing to be THAT guy. Does that make any sense?
I just wish he wouldn't look that way. He is exactly my type, even the bad parts and I HATE that. I suppose that will change since I've come to realize it but me being attracted to someone seems to be a thing of a past. It's been a year since I was REALLY, REALLY attracted to someone. You know like throw them down, can't take your eyes off of them attracted! Lately, it's a take them or leave them attraction. It annoys me but hey I get a lot more done that way!The most creative and hard working people probably don't have the opposite sex on the brain! Unless you're a writer and that object of desire has left you then you have to be obsessed about it! Anyways, this week in work will be an exciting one and we'll see if I can fit a few happy hours in there and this weekend- Craziness I swear! I need to post something wild and crazy! Did I tell you a couple weekends ago I played strip poker? Yeah, but I kept my clothes on. What! I'm good at poker ;).
Luv, Jane

This weekend

2005-04-08T15:38:00.000-04:00

So it's the weekend time and I am already exhausted.

I went to happy hour Wednesday night at the Clarendon Ballroom. Quite packed!! I went with the boys and it was so fun even though we could hardly move! But beers were one dollar so that was nice. We ended up drinking too much and staying out until 1 am which was not good for work that day. Oddly I had energy at work but stomach was killing me and I was regretting the day I ever went to happy hour.

Tonight, I'll probably be going to Blue Gin and tomorrow's plan is up in the air. But I am so napping tonight! This week has been great at work but I have been missing out on sleep time. My Australian emailed me and reminded me that I have the good girl complex but did not insist that I drop all things and stop immeadiately- teehee!

Will post any antidotes or interesting stories/ details of this weekend soon!

Luv, Jane

I am a Slut

2005-04-04T22:41:00.000-04:00

So I am bored and thought I'd be a little controversial and say something that I think about, but would only to say to my best friends. Do you feel special? You should! I trust you that much. Alright, so if you've read any of the other posts you see that there is a disturbing theme in them. I am always trying to come off a good girl and I am supposed to be uncensored here. I mean that is why I haven't posted a hot pic of me in a bikini or whatever I've been emailed that I should be posting! So here is what I'm thinking about.
Someone once said (someone great and philosophical but I don't know his name) that whatever you hate about others, or obsess about is something that deep down you really are. And whoever said that was damn right about me. See, I run around trying to be the "good girl" and even when I'm not being a good girl I make it come off like I am and well.. Maybe deep down I'm a big slut. I mean my boyfriends always say that and when I'm having innocent conversations with male friends or past hook ups they somehow start trying to talk dirty to me and I laugh it off. But last night a guy friend of mine who tries to be more than "friends" started it up a little innocently like, "You just need a guy who sees all of you and that you can be like, 'I want you to.... *insert the dirty parts*'". It progressed from there and I go, "OmiGod I always get this kind of thing! Why?" and he told me because I'm so open to talk about everything and that I give off this sexual vibe (I say it's cause when you're not doing it with someone you're constantly thinking about it so I tend to be sexual in my humor and in what I talk about) and he said that I come off as this innocent who really just wants to get down and dirty. And I do want to get down and dirty, and I have before and intend to very much in the future! In fact, when I talk about the stuff I've tried with boyfriends, my guy friends say that I'm not a good girl that I'm a slut because sluts have sex in public places, etc, not good girls. And honestly, how good of a girl am I when I've done some of the stupid stuff I did in college (skinny-dipping, random hook ups, once I even hooked up with the roommate of a guy I was making out with... yuck, that I did that). And sometimes I do like to show a little boob cause it makes me feel damn sexy. I like porn. And I've found myself bringing the sex thing to the table a few times before the guy even did. I may be all "good girl" like but I don't think slut is a bad word (unless it's a guy- what? I can have a double standard!) and most of my friends would be labeled sluts and perhaps I live vicariously through them.
Now I'm not saying I'm gonna go out and bang the next guy I see and bring handcuffs to the table, I like how I am and even if I fail miserably- I want to keep my ideals and standards but every so often, I just want to let go and not care about that. Maybe "prudish", conservative girls are all freaks. Didn't someone once say that the most perverted people are conservative to the public but freaks in private? So it's official I'm a slut and I like it just fine.

Brit Groupie

2005-04-04T20:43:00.000-04:00

I've got 15 minutes to write this before I watch a much needed guilty pleasure (i.e. cheesingly embarassing, morally wrong)- The Bachelor. Have you ever come in contact with girls who swoon at the sound of an accent? You know girls who give every guy the depressing realization that if they just had an accent they would always be getting laid? I'm talking about those girls who would talk to a dog if he spoke with an Irish brogue or an English accent... You know those? Don't you hate those girls!?? I do too, but I'm one of them- hehe.
This weekend was a drunken haze reminiscent of my college days. Where having the tops of my boobs glimpsing above a shirt was cool and it was fun to drink until you puke, not to mention have the deepest conversation of your life with a toolish guy who would keep saying, "That's deep stuff!!". That was my weekend. But instead of the guy saying that in a slurred, east coast manner, I got that said to me from a guy from England... It sounded like this:
"Mye gooodnss, this is a deehp con-verse-ation!" and I almost fainted- literally... from mostly the alcohol.
So yes, this weekend I was a victim of a combination of the drunken beer goggles and the girl who goes for anything with an accent. For my wooer was in fact English but I fear, and I am not entirely sure, that he was not attractive. I could be wrong, he could be gorgeus (well...) or maybe at least sexily rogueish or maybe even little boy adorable (as I thought all of the above this weekend).... But I fear that none of the above are true. I have a sneaking suspicion that he was a blonde, spiky haired, crooked nosed Brit who if he spoke with an American accent- I would have been a bit untaken. But this weekend I was taken and found him oh so cute. And the kiss was amazing. One of those "I'm not gonna kiss you, cause I don't want to seem easy... but I'll look at you long enough to make you want to kiss me!". And so he looks at me. And I look back. And I don't dare look shyly away like I usually do.
We had said we weren't gonna kiss that night so we were both proudly daring each other to lean in. So then I look down at his lips and then back at his eyes ( hint, hint- hehe!). He smiles, so then he does the same. And then I subtly move my head the slightest touch forward and then I lean my head subtly away. We're keeping eye contact and that moment he was my British Brad Pitt, only when he opened his mouth he was even more Godly cause he sounded so.... HOT. And then it just kind of happened, locked eyes... the slowest leaning in possible- where it was like a competition to see who would finally completely lean in and seal the deal. And then... I won- BIG TIME- lol. SO we kiss, and I found it to be the most fulfilling kiss I'd had in a long time.
But when I awoke the next morning (alone, c'mon who do you think I am? A turboslut?- hehe, sorry I love that word- turboslut!), I knew that perhaps this great kiss (althoug the start up of it was undeniably hot, I mean c'mon you were reading!), perhaps was not the best kiss of my life. Why? Because when I kiss a guy when I'm drunk, it's always the best kiss of my life. And then when we kiss sober I am sadly disappointed that the man can't kiss and in fact his kissing is horrible. So I may be somewhat ok with my display of drunken behavior but I also don't forget that I am one of those annoying girls I roll my eyes about- those Brit groupies... But when I'm drunk... I like it. A LOT. Luv, Jane

A New Job!!! Exboyfriend Poem...

2005-03-27T20:09:00.000-05:00

OMIGOD!! So I got a new job at a reputable tv channel (can't reveal the name in case I could get fired for it!) and I am so excited. It is my dream job and I couldn't be more surprised that I got it . My rules are as follows:
1) No dating coworkers (I need to be taken seriously not be the girl who kissed so and so).
2) Be ON TIME (I am always chronically late. Hopefully I can step up cause I need to!).
3) NETWORK (I am so bad it. I can hardly remember people's names and I never befriend someone just because of their job, but I better do it now!).
4) Stop saying the words such as "like", "f*ck", and "OmiGod"-lol( It makes women sound stupid or younger... even though I use them ALL THE TIME!). So that is it. While there, I saw the cutest man who is head of a department I'd like to interview for in the future, but I don't know, the sexual tension would get to me day after day so maybe it is good that I am not starting in that department! Plus there is ring on his finger and I wouldn't dare touch that. Respect other women's property (that will have to be a post in the future!)! Just thought I'd post the good news. Now off to celebrate and get really drunk with the friends, because I can be that crazy and superficial today! In closing is a little poem I wrote yesterday about bad ex-boyfriends. Maybe you can relate! Luv, Jane

One more dream of you
And I swear I'll be sick.
If I happen to see your name again, I hope the image dies quick.
It's like your ghost is chasing me everywhere I go,
Reminding me that there's someone out there I don't want to know.
I get the point
Someone like you does exist.
Now don't you think you can leave me alone or don't you get the gist?
There are people who don't like you
And one of them is me.
If there was a club to dislike you
You know that's where I'd be.
Mr. Give me all you got I'll make your blood run dry,
Sorry that you had to see a tear drop from my eye,
You won't see any feeling from me ever again,
Cause I know the good in you was always just pretend.
So I gave emotion and I couldn't speak,
Now I have a lot to say and one thing is your weak.
I don't care what you do, I had you at your peak.
All the past is stupid stuff I wish that wouldn't leak.
So in closing don't you think you mean anything to me,
Or that I'll remember any good in you cause you made me not see.
Don't forget you're not liked much and I call you a regret,
And I haven't met a man who could bring me down yet. -hehe, I mean I liked it ;).

An Intro to Sex by Jane

2005-03-21T10:26:00.000-05:00

So a lot of guys have a problem with me because I have two very distinct, yet contradicting qualities- I'm conservative in dating yet adventurous in bed. This is how it goes. I take things very slow when it comes to dating. Of course I've had a random bar room kiss, but for the most part, I wait to kiss a guy til after the first date and my standards go on from there. Now the problem is people don't always get that from me. When I talk about ex boyfriends or sex, they tend not to pick up on the conservative nature and assume things. When the time comes for dating me, they are shocked and a little taken aback that I am what they'd label a "prude", yet I seem like so much fun and have had a spicy, at times naughty, side that they therefore thought was a shoo-in to get into my bed. Here is the deal. I'm an impulsive, chronically adventurous girl. I actually like playing truth or dare, skinny dipping, bungee- jumping- you name it! And when I have a boyfriend I continue that sentiment in our alone activities. But the keyword is boyfriend and there has never been, nor will ever be any subsititutions for that. And in the paragraph below I will explain why.
I was raised in a very Catholic, patriarchial family. I learned about waiting for marriage for sex, being in love- all that crapp. And although my conservatism and dating etiquette most likely stem from that- it is not the reason why I take sex so seriously. The reason is.... I am a gynecologist's daughter. I know everything there is to know about STD's, pregnancy statistics, you name it I know it. I saw pictures of std's before I even knew what bodyparts those std's were on! And here are the hard facts. Please skip this section if you'd like to be ignorant in your blissful sex rampages- hehe.

1) 1 in 4 girls has HPV (Human Papilloma Virus). 2) 3 in 4 guys have no clue what that is! 3) No man gets tested for HPV. 4) HPV leads to high gyno bills and complications and there's no cure! 5) Herpes is out there- it hurts and condoms don't protect against it. 6) The only 100% effective strategy for the prevention of pregnancy is no sex!!

So there you have it. All of these ( I don't want STD's and I don't want kids yet) combined with the fact that I have a natural tendency to get attached to men I sleep with leads to my "prude" nature.
Now I am sure this post has turned you off of sex for the moment but see knowing this doesn not turn me off of sex I think it is a great, hot, wonderful thing especially if it's with someone that you love, trust, and isn't sleeping with any one else (not always a guarantee in this society sadly!). In fact, I'm a "leave no boundary uncrossed" when it comes to boyfriend and girlfriend sex. Anything to keep a relationship alive and a boyfriend faithful. Plus it's fun to come up with innovative things in new locations and have a little story to tell... or to keep to yourself ;). Sex is good, just use it responsibly- hehe ;) .
Luv, Jane

Celebrity Breakups

2005-03-07T19:55:00.000-05:00

So I guess it's that time again! Time for a post. But I'm not sure what I should write about. Should I write about my crazy Friday night? Should I write about all the celeb couples breaking up? I'll do a little of both. First off- Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards- who didn't think that one was gonna bust? Although I hoped and prayed it would last, when you take an old dog like Charlie who 's been around every bush... What is that saying? You can teach an old dog new tricks? Then there's Shannon Elizabeth and her man of 10 years, I always thought she was too hot for him but I didn't want her sniffing around any potential man of mine so I was happy she was satisfied with a man whose looks didn't match hers (cause afterall the uglier they are the better quality they are!). I think that does it for the round of celebrity couples, although I am still upset about the whole Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston blow up- how tragic!
Now on to my Friday night. Let's just say it involved me getting very drunk, running into an ex whose drunk tactics are so lame and then accepting a drunk dial from this guy I kissed on New Years. No explainations needed there! But let's just say I woke up, very disappointed in myself! haha, luv, Jane

Back up Boyfriends

2005-02-24T22:16:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I've posted. I've been busy doing "family things" or what not. So last night, I get a call from an ex-fling who came back from Iraq. He sounded so mature and so wise... I almost regretted that we had broken up. Of course he has a girlfriend now, which he said about, "I was so into you, but this girl really surprises me with how cool she is"... Are the good ones always taken? And why is it that all my available back up boyfriends (guys that you once dated, did nothing wrong to you but weren't quite the right fit that you maintain friendly relations in case there really is no perfect fit!) now have girlfriends and seem to be on the road to marriage! It must be the age, once you hit your mid twenties, relationships take on a much more serious approach since you know your 30's are coming and that is when you "should" get married.
A lot of people have that phobia about being alone, because they're afraid that if they are alone at this age, they'll ALWAYS be alone. I always say, everyone dies alone so we shouldn't be afraid of it. Not that the little fear of me being a spinster with 12 cats doesn't pop up in my mind from time to time. But I think everyone should know what's it like to be alone for a bit, to live alone, not depend on anybody and to truly be single without meaningless rabbit-like hook ups to quell their insecurities or underlying fear. It brings up the question, how long can anyone go without sex or attention towards or from the opposite sex? Is it healthier, more rational state or a lonely, alienating process? From my experience, a little bit of both... but I think of it more in a positive way because when you go without dates, hook ups, or any ongoing, spicy crushes you begin to forget what it feels like to get that rush that only a guy you like can give you. So when it does happen it's more intense, you feel like it's the first time! Like a virgin, or what say not. So is that what Madonna was talking about? ;)
Back up Boyfriends are a thing that a lot of girls have and that they don't always talk about. It's the same thing with back up husbands, which are guy friends or exes that they have made a pact with that if they are not married by 35 or 40, they'll marry them. Ever seen that episode of "Friends"? So I guess that proves that are society's is fascinated with having to be married before 40. Now don't get me wrong, I wanted to get married as much as the next girl! But I'm also realistic about the situation and won't do it just to fit into society or to not be alone. Hopefully, I'll be able to practice what I preach! Hey if a lot of male and female celebrities can do it (Goldie Hawn, George Clooney, etc), why can't I?
Luv, Jane

Voodoo Valentine's

2005-02-15T23:29:00.000-05:00

Sorry I had to wait til after the dreaded Valentine's Day to post. Although my Valentine's Day was surprisingly good so I was surprised!! Thanks to all those who made it so wonderful, you know who you are!! So let's get to my weekend...

About a month ago, one of my friends form a promotion company told me about this Voodoo Valentines Day Party at Spank (1223) and since I couldn't go last year, I was all about it. I was especially excited to get one of those free Voodoo dolls since I thought it'd be a fun joke gift/ play thing!! So I arrive with 2 friends (a guy and a girl) and was meeting about 6 other friends there. I was in high spirits. Saw a few cute guys, got my Voodoo doll and I christened it with pins in impotence, hair loss, loss of job, among a few other fun areas (What?! It was all out of fun!!). The 2 friends I arrived with weren't having the best of times but I couldn't relate cause you could put me in a cardboard box and I'd have fun. They were getting quite impatient that our other friends weren't showing up. Around 12:30, our friends finally show up. Me being the social butterfly, I was flitting about the room not noticing that my two friends I came with were inching closer and closer together and flirting more and more. As soon as our friends arrive, the two friends I came with jet off to go hook up. I give them my blessing but say, "Hey, I assumed we'd all be going home together, where did we park my car again?". They hurriedly gave me directions and hightailed it out of there. So I'm ok, hanging with my friends who were much more drunk than I was (I was planning to drive-we'll get to that later- so I was sticking to my 2 drink limit). One of the guys I was with was from the promotion company hosting the event so we got some free champagne and a table and we were loving life. Until, he gets in a fight with some random guy! The random guy throws the champagne bottle at him, it spills all over me and my friend is so drunk he starts spoouting ridiculous and annoying things like, "DO you know who I am??? Do you know who my father is???" blah, blah, blah, blah. I try to keep cheerful but you see this happens often and I'm starting to worry about how I'm going to get home cause I'm realizing the directiopns that they gave me are way off. So then these somewhat cute, cocky guys come up to me and we start talking and one of them is like, "Hey! He's from Morocco". Being that I love all things international and culturally different, I am like, "Really??? That is so cool". The guy goes, "What do you know about Morocco?". Not giving the most intelligent answer I've ever given, I reply, "Not that much, other than it's location and the food". And his friend goes, "By the way, Morocco is in Africa" in a completely condescending tone as if by having boobs I am an idiot. I give him the look of death and I say, "Just cause I'm a female doesn't mean I'm dumb!!!" and I storm off. I'd like to say that was the only kind of encounter like that of the night but it's not true. Do any other girls get this?? When I'm out and happy, do I exude stupidity? I have no clue but it was quite annoying.
To make matters worse, I leave my Voodoo Doll with a friend when I go to the bathroom and it gets stolen!!! Later in the evening one of my girlfriends notices a doll with the pins in the exact places I put them and points it out to me. I go up to the girl and sweetly say (cuz hey! Everyone makes a mistake), "Hey, I think you may have accidently picked up my doll". The girl starts walking away, "No, I didn't"- quite suspicious behavior don't you think? So I follow, "I can show you, I know exactly where I put the pins". She clutches the doll closer to her and begins running, "No, this doll is mine bitch" so I begin running after her!! I can clearly see the pins exactly where I put them and her strange behavior further proves my suspicions. So here I am chasing her and I begin to realize what the heck am I doing?? This could turn into a full fledged girlfight so I stop running and call after her, "Whatever, you're gonna have to live with yourself knowing you're a theif!!". I'd like to say that that is how my night ended but after chasing this girl, I couldn't find my friends for an hour and at this point my social butterflyness had been squashed into a bit of where- the-hell- is everybody- this- has-not been- night, which is actually quite uncommon for me!! I begin to look unhappy and this guy approaches me and is like, "Don't look so sad!! Wait a second have we kissed before?". Having been a bit of a kissing ho in my past, he looks familar but I don't know (how embarassing) and I'm like, "Sorry, I can't find my friends, um you look familar". And he's like, "Yeah, we did kiss once, remember at Michelle's party?". Slowly, it starts coming back to me and I'm like, "Yeah, I remember you!" and he's like, "Do you remember kissing me?". Now this was in highschool so I do remember it, but I don't remember the details but I lie, "Um, yeah of course!" and since I'm a terrible liar, he picks up on it, "No you don't. If you remember where did we kiss?". And suddenly as if God took pity on me it all rushed back to me, "On the deck! On the deck!" I shriek. I later apologized for not remembering a guy I made out with right away and assured him it is a rare occurance and only happened cause I was distracted since I was looking for my friends. I'd love to say that the night ended with us reconnecting and catching up on old times, etc. But no, the night ended with me being unable to find my car!! Spending the night at my best friend's boyfriends apartments house where she was so drunk that she refused to wear pajamas so I had to sleep next to my drunk, naked best friend and her shirtless boyfriend. A little uncomfy!! Yup, that was it!!-lol.
luv, Jane

Dating in DC

2005-02-09T22:11:00.000-05:00

Here's an article I read on AOL:

Best Dating Cities for Singles:1. Atlanta, Georgia: 26 percent opt for a sporting event as their ideal first date activity. Fun!2. Los Angeles, California: 43 percent prefer a candlelit dinner for two on Valentine's Day. Romantic3. Cleveland, Ohio: 42 percent like to get to know someone new over drinks. Appletini over here.4. New York City: 31 percent said they'd even date their boss. 'Toddlin' town' is right.5. Dallas/Ft. Worth, Texas: 33 percent said dating in the workplace is just fine. That's a busy city.6. Sacramento, California: 64 percent said they don't date friends' and co-workers' exes. True blue.7. Miami, Florida: 10 percent will fudge the facts on physical appearance with a date. C'mon now.8. Washington, D.C.: 45 percent claim they "just want to be friends." How politically correct.9. San Francisco, California: Just 27 percent have said, "It's not you, it's me." Yeah, we know.10. Chicago, Illinois: 61 percent said they will date a co-worker. Baby its cold outside!
When it comes to the office, it's not business as usual. According to the Love@AOL survey, workplace romance is alive and well in the United States with 40 percent of those surveyed saying the office is an acceptable place to seek out and woo weekend dates.
Cupid is in the cubicle:--22 percent said they have either searched for or contacted potential dates through an online personals service from a computer at work.--45 percent of men and 35 percent of women say it's okay to meet a mate in the office. Next time you need a dinner date, check the copy room!--11 percent said they would consider dating their boss if he or she wasn't technically their "boss."

Should I move?- hehe. Although DC is on the list, so maybe I shouldn't ;). Dating for me has been an interesting road. I'd have to say I've dated quite a bit and have seemed to have boyfriends constantly since the age of 16. I've had mostly good experiences, a few bad ones with guys I hadn't yet invested time into, and then one long relationship that ended horribly which I invested way too much time on!!

Dating for me is frustrating because it's this whole little game. Everyone's keeping their cards to themselves and it is such a faux-pas to let the guy know right away what you're feeling. Ok, sometimes it has been ok, but usually guys want girls who are hard to get and who they think are better than them and confessing your feelings when you are just starting to date undermines that fantasy. Sometimes I just want to be up front and say, "Hey I think I like you, I think you are so cute. I'm a sensitive, emotional girl, can you handle that?? What are your flaws?". But no, no one ever talks about that and with the over ten guys that I have dated, it's starting to get old. You know the whole cautious, "non-real "dating thing. It has gotten to the point where I am just so sick of the dating ritual that I point blank ask guys on the first date, "SO are you a player? Have you cheated on other girls before? How many sexual partners ahve you had? Are you gonna ask me 6 months down the road if you can do it in the butt?", what are your issues, etc. Which makes me come off as someone with baggage and a little neurotic. But I'd like to know these things before I put some time into it because then six months down the road- Surprise!!!! I find out the guy has slept with 100 girls and doesn't want to stop his stop and pop of the whole female race and that his biggest desire (and the only thing that really turns him on- don't ya like that one?) is giving it up the butt!! And by this point I love the guy and I am like "What the f**k!??? I thought you were normal!!". Hehe, so that is my schpiel on dating. I'll post an article on SEX soon ;).Thanks to everyone who's reading this!!

luv, Jane

A little Deeper

2005-02-09T01:30:00.000-05:00

Ok, as of now, since this is an experiment, I will not post a picture. Plus I'd like to experiment and get a little private and if I posted a picture then people (exes, friends, etc) would know who I am and I couldn't be that intimate. So this will be an experiment and I will post my first super private post. This is a little nerve-wracking so bear with me! How do people do it??-lol.

Ok so one thing you should know about me is that like most people, I haven't lived a charmed life. I suppose no one does deep down. I'm at a point in my life where I'm scared of my future, unsure of what I want to do with my life, and a bit paralyzed in my in my inaction. I'm being the same girl I was in college minus some of the wild behavior and I've been completely not over my past. Is anyone ever? I sure hope so. Sometimes I just wish I could forget all the things that are negative that happened. I dabble in a little poetry... Ok who am I kidding! I've been writing it since I was 7. But it's nothing serious, sometimes it's more like a letter to someone or anyone about how I feel. I'll post what I wrote today- which is completely raw and unfinished but how more real can you get:

I remember you stilll
Thought you'd be just a moment in time
Could you have been a figment in my mind
To break me down
Don't...
Don't enlighten me why, Leave me in the dark
I can't hear another lie
I won't breathe
Won't think
I can't feel my lips
You must've burned them away
Hey~
I won't cry myself to sleep
That phase left me weeks ago
Was the only thing to keep
When you did what you damn did
I'm the only one who knows
Don't you know that?
Is that why you laugh?
Do you hear my voice?
Why'd you make that choice?
And why do I still care?
So many things we couldn't share to make us so together yet alone
Years have gone by
I can cry so easily at the mere thought
Of you
I don't understand
How you could be that man
Or who it was who put me in this hell
There's only two people to blame
You or me
Say the name, How can it be
I'm unaware
And you can't tell that when you stare at me
Just stare at me some more
And tell me what this is good for
Cause I can't say
At least not to you

That's all I got so far, and I haven't edited it to make it any sense. I'd love to hear if anyone is reading this what they think it's about. Cause like I say in this poem, only he and I know what it would be about. Maybe that's why I'm still so upset about it. Because it is like this big secret. But if I said all that happened, I don't think anyone would understand. they'd be like that happens all the time, get over it. Or not truly understand what I went through or what it meant to me. I don't think I could ever put it into words. Does that make it much deeper or does that make me not emotionally aware of it and myself? I have no idea.

So there's also this foreigner I met abroad and we still email and after writing that sad little poem, I got an email from him. And that made me happy. I would never say this to him but since that relationship that I wrote about- He's the only guy I've really felt for- kind of like when he's in the room I couldn't take my eyes off of him. And any weakness or mistake was so easily forgiveable even if it was trivial, like a really loud burp or an awkward moment. I never questioned him or what I felt for him and I never questioned my attraction to him, which is what I do with every guy since the guy I mention in my poem. So he writes me and I have to confess that part of the thrill of us writing is this deep- seeded hope that maybe, just maybe we'll end up together in some far off country and that what I felt really was true love- like what you read about or see in the movies. How stupid is that?? He's probably just emailing to pass the time a girl he met abroad who tickled his fancy for a couple days. But to me it means more. And I know I obviously am the one who is into it more, since I write him back the day he writes while he doesn't and I tend to express more flirtation, affection, and seduction than he does-lol. Maybe today I'll wait a day or two before writing him back. Yes that's games but it's the only way to get by these days in the world we live in!! Ok, experimentation done!!
Now some quotes I've loved from the stuff I've been seeing/ listening to lately. Enjoy!! luv, Jane

"You forced me to become strong.And I just cried, being weak.And you think you know.And I would like to think so..."- The Wreckers (from One Tree Hill if you were watching tonight!)

"You are what you love, not what loves you" - "Adaptation"

"The Rumba is a vertical expression of a horizontal wish. You have to hold her like the skin on her thigh is your reason for living. Let her go like your heart's being ripped from your chest. Pull her back like you're gonna have your way with her right here on the dance floor. And then finish like she's ruined you for life"- "Shall We Dance"

Introducing Jane

2005-02-08T00:16:00.000-05:00

Ok, so here's my first post and I'm very excited- j/k. I've seen people do these things and I figure it's like an online diary and I'm not one to keep a personal, actual hardbook diary (too many secrets if it were ever to get in the wrong hands), so I figure this could be a good little experiment and I'll see how this/ it goes.
Ok, to describe me I'm a 24 year old hot brunette-lol. See? Now that sounds conceited! So I wouldn't say that, but people do actually say that about themselves! But I'm a brunette who's confident with how she looks and I do well with the opposite sex (I'm heterosexual if you can tell, and of course what I mean by this is any guy I'm attracted to has never said, "oh i only like you as a friend" or been "rejective" towards me which has been a nice thing but this has only been since college. For you see Highschool, when you have no boobs is not very fun... Since then they've since grown into C's... hehe, and no! no plastic surgery, I was just a late bloomer! Sheesh!). I live in the DC area and I've lived here off and on my whole life. I went to college in NYC, but private all girls highschool in Dc and have since moved back to my hometown.
Since moving back to DC I have learned these things:
1) Dc has the largest supply off single, educated women
2)Dc has a dwindling supply of god-looking single, educated men.
3) Dc's hot spots include Vida, Cafe Milano, 1223, Saki, 18th St Lounge, Eye Bar- and there are usually non-attractive rich guys who think they are God and that buying us a drink and flashing they're money will attract us!
4)Unlike LA and NYC, if you're attractive or rich enough- you can usually find a way into any bar/ club.
5) When they said- "Guys are like parking spots- the good ones are always taken and the rest are handicapped!"- they meant Dc.
6) Dc is like NYC, everyone wants to sample and date, no one is ready to put up a down payment.
7) If you act like you're in college, you're just like everybody else and you'll attract 30 year old balding men who think they're still in college.
8) Politics are sexy... wait no they're not when everyone in it has white hair or balding.
9) Repeating the word balding in your blog is not politically correct nor cool and the writer apologizes to those sweet or attractive men who are in fact balding ;).

Ok that's it for my first post. I gotta say it went ok but I wanted to censor myself a million times because I don't wnat to come off as a know-it-all, conceited, or a ditz and I guess when words are just written down it can come across that way instead of receiving the whole picture like the tone of voice, the facial expression and the... body language. See now when I said body language that was suppose to be seductive! Did anyone else catch that cause I'm the author and I didn't even catch that- teehee. Ok, Bye!!

-Jane